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Oct. 22nd, 2003

I've just realised why I am so damn listless and cranky. It is because the intensely hormonal time of the month approaches fast.

(i thought people with pcos werent meant to have periods...)

but no mine have been regular since age of 12, which is i am sure a wonderfully good thing, but at moments like this i do not appreciate it.

I can handle the fact that my uterus is goign to be doing backflips. I can handle the fact that i am fast becoming anemic and that periods dont help that. that if i move around too much, too fast and so on i am likely to regret it at some point. physical pain i dont have that much problem with mostly because i have at least a fair idea of how to fix it.

i hate the emotional stuff. i really fucking hate it. its like getting hit with a bipolar episode one week out of four. it is enough to make me cry.

i feel deeply deeeply deeeply irate and peeved and i keep wanting to kick and throw things. preferrably breakable things that will smash loudly and prettily.

in the run up to the period exercise helps because it aids me in getting rid of some of the excess energy.
on the other hand the emotional stuff is more difficult to deal with, though i try mostly by keeping as tight as possible rein on my tongue.

here are some of the usual warning signs that period is imminent:

*i start to feel intensely vulnerable and paranoid. I am liable to imagine i am unloved and rejected and see veiled insults and brush-offs everywhere (especially in silence)

*i start to feel intensely impatient and moody. also bitchy. very very bitchy. and i am full of these jitters i cant release but whose presence makes me want to come out with sentences such as:
i hate the world!
you are a horrible person!
get out of my way fuckface!
a person of your age should not be wearing that skirt!

and swearing. lots and lots and lots of cussing for event he most minor of transgressions.

*burst into tears

*beat someone offensive to a pulp or at least run them over a few times.

*point out all thier flaws and call ugly and stupid anyone who aggravates me.

*cravings for weird foods such as chocolate, although presently this might be due to growing desire to eat anythign that is not and never has been associated with capers.


deep sky, firefly

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