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The beauty tha is the Balkans

I got this in an email from a mate- a lot of satire relating to the Balkans, it loses something in the translation probably , and makes more sense if you are familiar with the people and the history because it's a really good portrait of what happens I think, of how the people think.

Behind a cut because it is long and to spare those who are not interested.

After a shipwreck, there end up on a desert island a two male and one female representatives of an exhaustive list of European nationalities.

A month later:

One Italian man has killed the other Italian man because of the Italian woman.

The two Germans strictly adhere to their weekly schedule of alternating visits to the German woman.


the two Chinese men opened a restaurant/her shop/discount drinks store/shop/laundromat and managed to get the Chinese woman pregnant with twins in order to ensure the necessary workforce for their business.

The two Croat men and the Croat woman gave themselves to the founding of institutions:

The Croat Institute of History, The Croat Academy for the History of Croats and Croatia in Exile, The Croat Institute for the Gathering of Data Regarding the 1000-year long importance of Croats in those Environs, The Croat Academy for the Known History of the unique untainted Croat tongue in Exile, the Croat Board for the Study of the original Croat Writings in Exile, The Croat Polytechnic for famous archelogy of Croats and Croatia in Exile, and the Croat Motherland in Exile for communications with the Croat Motherland.

The Albanian woman gave birth to quadraplets. The Albanians founded a camp for military exercises in the woods in order to protect themselves from Serbian hegemony. In the breaks they are gathering material for an Albanian encyclopedia of Albanians through the ages on desert islands.

The three Serbs immediately became politically active. The three of them founded seven political parties:
first they all founded the Serbian Democratic Party in Exile, then the Serb woman founded the Folk Dance Society of Serbian Sisters in exile, then the two Serb men founded the Democratic Party of Serbia in Exile, then one of the Serb men and the Serb woman founded the Democratic party for international co-operation, the other Serb man and the Serb woman founded the Serbian Democratic Party for International Relations, one Serb founded the Serbian Democratic Party for Human Rights and in the meanwhile the other Serb founded the Democratic party of Serbia for the protection of the environment. Due to their constant political commitments they have not had time to engage in any other activities (beyond a spot of feuding with the Croats).

10 Reasons why to be a Serb

1. You're not a Croat.
2. The basketball team.
3. You can choose between several war criminals on election day.
4. You can enjoy the reassuring and optimistic broadcasts of the state television.
5. You can conduct a 600 year old war against Turks and their local collaborators, convinced that it is still happening while being utterly wrong.
6. You can always go to Greece and Cyprus without being afraid of anything.
7. Grilled meat specialties and plum brandy.
8. You can drink plum brandy and eat grilled meat specialties even while you are under sanctions.
9. You are the only European country bombed by NATO.
10. From time to time you can fly to the Hague at other people's expense.

10 reasons why to be a Croat

1. You're not a Serb.
2. The football team.
3. You can pretend that your language is completely different from Serb even though it isn't.
4. Dubrovnik.
5.You can dream about an Independent Croatia.
6. From time to time you can sing "Danke, danke, Deutschland" while continuing to dream of an Independent Croatia.
7. You have an importnat 1000-year old culture no one has ever heard of.
8. You have a democratically elected president who is not ashamed of being a Croat.
9. A glorious history in the Second World War.
10. The 1000 year old culture...

10 reasons why to be a Bosnian

1. You can get granted asylum anywhere except in Serbia.
2. You can pretend your country exists.
3. Kebab.
4. You can pretend that Sarajevo is a European metropolis, even though it isn't.
5. Big Kebab.
6. You can get visits from Francois Miterand, Berndar Henry, Susan Sontag, and Bill Clinton without it making any difference.
7. A tourist tour free of charge through any Muslim country.
8. You are bombarded by psychiatrists.
9. You can display your flag at the UN and nowhere else.
10. Foreigners give you money and don't ask questions.

10 reasons why to be a Slovenian

1. You can speak the melodious Slovenian tongue and not have anyone care about it except for you.
2. You can feel superior to all ex-Yugoslavs.
3. You can drink after work.
4. You can pretend you live on the "sunny side of the Alps" even though you know it isn't actually sunny.
5. You can say you are as good as a German even though secretly you are very pleased to be Slovenian.
6. Good relations with Italy and Austria.
7. You can afford bouts of Yugo-nostalgia.
8. You can marry a Slovenian woman and have Slovenian children who grow up speaking the melodious Slovenian tongue.
9. You don't have to feel ashamed when you go anywhere.
10. No one bothers you because no one cares.

10 reasons why to be Macedonian

1. You may call yourself Macedonian and not be killed by Bulgarians, Greeks, Serbs or Albanians.
2. Fresh tomatoes, watermelons and tobacco.
3. You can pretend you are a descendant of Alexander the Great and mock Greeks.
4. You can feel sad as you listen to the folk songs.
5. Good relations with the neighbours particularly Greeks and Albanians.
6. The ongoing pleasure of American soldiers on your territories.
7. You can call your country the Ex Yugoslav Federal Republic of Macedonia.
8. Fresh tomatoes, watermelon and tobacco.
9. You can pretend your language isn't Bulgarian.
10. Everyone is interested in the stability of your country except for your neighbours.

10 reasons why to be Montenegran

1. You can be proud of your heroic history and not being under Turk occupation for 500 years.
2. You can compose epic verses about your heroic past and not being under Turk occupation for 500 years.
3. You can reminsce about Russia as your mother, even though Russia does not consider you her son.
4. You cam combine your Orthodoxy with Saltinism out of love of Russia and think you are better and more progressive than the Serbs.
5. Cheese, grilled lamb and grapes.
6. You must slay at least one person out of revenge and to defend your honour.
7. If you are a woman you can kill your husband and have everyone know why you did it.
8. You can smuggle cigarettes from Italy and live lucratively.
9. You don't have to work even when you have to.
10. You don't have to work...

10 reasons why to be Albanian

1. You can always swim to Italy.
2. On election day you can choose between the president who stole all your property, the one who killed all your relatives, or go kill Serbs in Kosovo.
3. You can be proud of the fact that you're from "land of the eagle"
4. You can always swim to Italy.
5. You can take weapons from any army garrison and defend your honour.
6. You can be killed out of vendetta and remembered as a hero in your family.
7. You are thought to be from the poorest country in Europe.
8. You live in the ecologically cleanest country in Europe.
9. You can always swim to Italy.
10. You can be proud of the fact that you're from "land of the eagle".

10 reasons to be a Yugoslav

1. You can be proud of the fact that you're not Serb, or Croat, or Slovenian, or Bosnian, or Macedonian, or Montenegran, or Albanian, even though you are one of them.
2. You don't have to feel bad about Yugo-nostalgia.
3. You can have a spouse from any part of the country and have the feeling that the country hasn't fallen apart, particularly if you are living outside of it.
4. You can listen to serb, croat, bosnian, slovenian, macedonian, montenegran and even albanian music and feel ok.
5. You don't have to be ashamed of your Titoist past.
6. You can sing partisan songs from the WWII and rockenroll from the eighties.
7. You can spit on/mock nationalists.
8. You can be researched by all foreign sociologists interested in your sense of identity.
9. You can be invited to speak about Yugoslavia in conferences in foreign countries.
10. You're an excellent candidate for funding from Soros


NOKIA SMS Templates (factory defaults):

1. Please call
2. I'm at home
3. I'm at work, please call _____
4. I can't answer right now, call me later at _____
5. I am late, I'll be there at ______
6. (empty)
7. (empty)
8. (empty)
9. (empty)
10. (empty)

NOKIA SMS Templates (defaults for Serbia & Montenegro)

1. Turn on the news quickly
2. Turn on the news quickly, they killed _______
3. Turn on the news quickly, the war's started
4. I'm going to be late, there's no transport
5. I'm going to be late, the car has busted _______
6. I'm going to be late, the cops have stopped me
7. I'm going to be late, the cops are fucking me around
8. There's no electricity! Fuck ______
9. I'll skyve off work at _______
10. A GOAL! A GOAL! ____ prema ____
11. There's no salary today either, don't come
12. Fuck ________


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 16th, 2004 06:05 am (UTC)
Although I am not of any of those nationalities, nor have an expert's grasp on the history of the region, I had to smile at the good-natured humour :) I enjoyed reading this :).

Apr. 16th, 2004 06:29 pm (UTC)

Wow, you can truly call that a mineFIELD of information.
Apr. 16th, 2004 06:35 pm (UTC)

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )


deep sky, firefly

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