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Weird dreams again. I slept badly, first half of night I just dreamt war and battlefields and after that intro could not go to sleep for ages. Finally fell asleep around 8 am, got woken up by mum at quarter to nine (why aren't you up yet? it's a weekday) mumbled something incoherent but obviously sufficiently explanatory that conversation ended and drifted off into bizarre dreams of hurricanes and hang-gliders.

There were corridors and lots of doors and behing each of the doors I opened there was a hurricane. And I was trying to fly a hang-glider but my wrist was busted and the winds were so strong that I couldn't control my flight. The glider kept spinning out of my grip and threatening to dash me against the rocks. I tried flying three times and three times nearly got killed, except I was rescued every time by a nice man who stood on the thresholds and helped me sort myself out.

Got woken by my aunt ringing (phones are a theme) and did explaining that I hadn't slept most of the night, which led to talking about what was the matter with me which led to me mentioning the fight on friday. aunt went *that wasn't a fight* and then i had to explain about invalidation and we had a talk about my sensitivity and she expounded at length on why i need to learn how to take criticism and how the world is harsh and I need to cope with that.

She did apologise for hurting my feelings and said it wasn't her intention (i know this) and made some progress.

I know though that my family still fundamentally don't get any mental health issue (like cancer it only happens to other people, and probably only ones who were lax and spoilt at that or who had truly tragic lives) and that depression is really a synonym for laziness and weakness.

I have a difficult time with that because a part of me agrees and it's challenging getting myself to think about myself not as *i am a weakling* but *i am sensitive/fragile*

but hey, i'm crying and that's an accomplihsment.


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 8th, 2004 10:43 am (UTC)
the world is harsh, shitty and frequently not very fair.

fuck it.

In the same sense of universality that lends your aunt the impression that she must share her opinion:-

Afterall - EVERYONE is entitled to their opinion,
try out this little gem:-

By the very same token, one also has the right not to have said opinion shared with them
Apr. 8th, 2004 10:44 am (UTC)
This isn't just a platitude I'm throwing out, I mean this with my whole
heart...you are one of the strongest people I've ever met. Hands down.
Case closed. The fact that in spite of the harshness you've encountered
you remain the beautiful, spiritual and positive force you are is quite
amazing. And it's because of your fortitude and your soul and your work,
not anybody elses, that you remain this special person.

auzerias said, people can be harsh and cruel, but that doesn't mean they
should be. I think some people in this world think they tougher they are
on people the more the people will begin to conform to their wishes or
not be sick anymore or something.

I don't get it. But then, I have a mental illness and I don't consider
any sickness of any sort as a weakness. And I also find that the people
who understand my illness the least usually have some sort of mental defect
or problem themselves.

Anyway...that was a long way to say that I admire you so much and I think
you are absolutely fabulous.

Apr. 8th, 2004 11:42 am (UTC)
my parents don't believe in depression
...and they're doctors... o_O

I cooked up quite a good explanation of how depression is a physical illness (brain chemistry, neurone firing, etc) only to be hit with "then why does cognitive therapy work"...

*retires to think up scientific comeback*

Oh and
Apr. 9th, 2004 02:55 am (UTC)
Re: my parents don't believe in depression
it doesn't, although it can help

Ultimately, the majority of people who go to the doctor with 'depression' are really just a bit down,
rather than truly depressed.

Apr. 9th, 2004 12:35 pm (UTC)
Usually I've seen it as part of a mosaic of treatments.

Ultimately I think of it as analogous to physiotherapy for a stroke victim to ward off muscle atrophy - but in terms of exercising your neurochemical pathways :D
Apr. 10th, 2004 10:08 am (UTC)
the tired little soldier speaks

As humans we are all "sensitive and fragile" and most people spend their entire lives denying or hiding it.
But it is important to remember that this "weakness" is relative only to what we perceive as "strength". Which isn't strength at all, it is just a wall. And strength isn't about having a huge wall in front of you to protect you, strength is not needing the wall.
All your friends and family (like mine as well) are offering you the wall, you can take it and be like the rest of the world, and that's fine. But if you choose to go ahead and build YOURself up, to look in the mirror and see only yourself and NOT the reflected image, then your world will be less likely to crumble when the outside world finally does.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )


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