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When I am alone, I have a tendency to live like a refugee. As in, eat, sleep, work in one room. Usually a small space. Until my mother got here for a visit I slept on the living room floor in a sleeping bag. I haven't cooked in weeks. I live off yoghurts and crackers and bottled water, or any crisps/biscuits I realise I have lying around the house.

Perhaps it is because in small spaces I feel safe. They are womb like. Protected. A shell into which i can withdraw. ANd it is amazing the places in which I can find comfort.

About two years ago we were putting in wooden floors into the little room and that room was a hazard. It was little to start with and all the furniture was rolled into whhever half was not worked on, and the floor was full of dust and shaving and splinters and whatever tools were being used to cut carpet and remove existing flooring. I slept underneath perilously stacked books and chairs, on a patch of newly laid boards that was barely the width of my body and I slept for nights in a sleeping bag on my side (the works had paused) and somehow at the time, this was really soothing.

The living room is like a scrapyard.It was messier before my mother got here. I need to sort myself out. I need to clean. I need to start doing the little rituals of human existence such as putting on my pyjamas and washing up dishes and washing my hair. Making tea. Having a hot meal. Opening mail and reading it.But I don't want to. It feels like too much effrt somehow.
Even the simplest things. Somedays having a bath and putting on my clothes feels like the ultimate in achievement and self-discipline.

I hate that.

But today I have a busy day and I shall get things done. I shall I shall I shall.

*kicks self to mtivate self to get a move on*


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 24th, 2004 05:05 am (UTC)
I think our sucesses depend on our situation at any given time, and to me
showering and dressing is a good goal and one you should celebrate. Or
maybe opening a piece of mail is cause for celebration and being proud.
When you're achy or hurting or not in a good space, whatever we manage to
do is something I think to be celebrated. Your shower means success much
more to me than someone making a big business deal (or whatever it is that
people work do).

But I do think you need a big comfy bed with lots of pillows to curl up
and purr in ;)

Mar. 26th, 2004 02:49 am (UTC)
But I do think you need a big comfy bed with lots of pillows to curl up
and purr in ;)

An idea not without a certain amount of appeal, I admit. :)
Although beds really call out most to me when there is someone attractive in there who seems inclined to worship my earthly form.
Mar. 26th, 2004 03:06 pm (UTC)
hm i thought i replied to this
Totally relate to the "refugee" living. Some days, if I've managed to wash my face and make a cup of tea, I feel like I've gone above and beyond ;) (note: still in jammies - why change?)
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )


deep sky, firefly

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