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Sep. 17th, 2003

Neil has given me another pretty word to work with: disthymia.

My list of labels is expanding. Thus far it has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Dissociative Disorder.
Boundariless Screwup does not officially exist otherwise i am sure it would be on there as well.

I spent some time to my aunt explaining why depression is not something i can snap out of, and hard work is not a magical cureall for my moods. that while i understand the temptation to shake me out of it, this is not helpful.
that therapy is more than incessant digging around in the past
and that moving on is not always constructive.

and so on.

however, although she shares the mindfucks of my family at least my aunt tries to understand, and wants to help and i can talk to her.
at least she listens.

and i find it tiring having to always explain, feeling invalidated, being unable to answer that question of *why are you depressed*
because i dont know the answers.

although Neil's word is sweet. at least it means i can point her in the direction of some literature. and i explained things gently, explained that for me i am learning how to just let my moods be and the most healing thing i can do is let them run thier course, learn how to manage them that way.

dysthimia. http://members.tripod.com/~Minds_Eye/disthymia.htm

What is dysthymia?

This is a milder, chronic depression which lasts for two years or longer.
It involves long-term, chronic symptoms that do not completely disable, but keep you from functioning at
"full steam" or from feeling good. Sometimes people with dysthymia also experience major depressive episodes.

Some people with Disthymia may not even realize that they are depressed.

Anti-depressants and psychotherapy can help.


1. Depressed mood (or can be irritable mood in children and adolescents) for most of the day, more days than not, as
indicated either by subjective account or observation by others, for at least two years (one year for children and
2. Presence, while depressed, of at least two of the following:
1.poor appetite or overeating
2.insomnia or hypersomnia
3.low energy or fatigue
4.low self-esteem
5.poor concentration or difficult making decisions
6.feelings of hopelessness
3. During a two-year period (one-year for children and adolescents) of the disturbance, never without the symptoms in '1.'
for more than two months at a time.
4. No evidence of an unequivocal Major Depressive Episode during the first two years (one year for children and
adolescents) of the disturbance.
5. Has never had a Manic Episode or an unequivocal Hypomanic Episode.
6. Not superimposed on a chronic psychotic disorder, such as Schizophrenia or Delusional Disorder.
7. It cannot be established that an organic factor initiated or maintained the disturbance, e.g., prolonged administration of an
antihypertensive medication.

My aunt and i were talking the other day and she said how my mother, her sister, will always be closer to her than her husband because my mother is her kin, her blood.
and i was thinking how for me it is the opposite.
i am more often intimate with those i have chosen i am not related to because they are my choice, and i know they can be trusted.
they do not share the tanlged mess that is my history.

so my aunt thinks she should be involved in my treatment, that family should be involved.
I am touched that she wants to help, but at the same time I don't think there is much she can do.
so i think i might find some scientific literature, some things they can understand and print those off for her.
give her some info, something useful to look at.

I was talking with Neil about management and he said there are two options as he sees them:
go long-term on a med like an SSRI, or self-medicate for crisis episodes, when they arise.

I think i prefer the latter option.

i do not want to be swallowing meds everyday. for one thing i am forgetful and bound to skip doses. i prefer the idea of using something to reduce a crisis onto a manageable level.

i found 20 valium today. i have not a clue where they came from and they are only 5mg but they are my friends.
i will have little helpers in yugoslavia.

sometimes i think i am developing too much of a love affair with pills.
i always used to stay away from them, but ever since a couple of weeks ago it feels like another boundary has been crossed and part of me thinks *that was not so bad, now i know i can die by this method*

that was the first thing i thought when i started to cut, even as a child.
a triumph.
look, i have defeated my body. i have broken through its fragile boundary of skin.
mine is the power and the will.
and i thought... it is not so bad. it does not hurt so much.
now i know that if i need to i can die.

i still look for veins. i dont intend to slash them, but it somehow comforts me to see the blue pathways and think that if i wanted to i could have the way out.

i cannot explain to my aunt adequately that i have immense capacities for both sadness and joy.
that the smell of grass, the sight of moonlight, or a touch, or the nose of a dog pressed into my hand is enough to helplessly move me, to make me dissolve into a profound and inescapable love of the world.

and i cannot explain either that everywhere i walk the edge walks with me.
i cannot explain how often i think of ending my own life, not seriously, but it is like this constant low level depression, always there to some degree.

i have no plans to cease existing :)
simply a thought, always a though, that crosses my mind.
but this is not out of the usual, nothing extraordinary so i shall not count it as a crisis or take any of my psychoactive buddies.


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Sep. 17th, 2003 06:38 pm (UTC)
I know. I was so disappointed when I discovered that there are no plans to include "General Fuckup" in any upcoming versions/revisions of the DSM.

This is why you have to be a therapist, my dear. So you can get yourself on the decision-making committees, and help future generations get accurate diagnoses!
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )


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