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When I was little, about three or four, and adults asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'd say *A famous ballerina*
And when someone laughed and inquired how I knew I'd be famous I gave them a withering look and replied:
*You can't seriously think I'll be just ordinary.*

Ah, the confidence of youth. :)

There are other memories of the termedously self-assured person I was once. I know I had very definate opinions about books ever since I could talk, classing certain ones as *stupid*. Or I'd list reasons why a certain story was bad and ways in which it could be improved. If someone asked me how I thought up the stories I was telling my dolls I'd tell them *They are like the stories I heard only much better*

I'm not sure when I began to lose that confidence. I know most of it was gone by age of eight, I remember it eroding in pieces, through getting shouted at or de-valued, and thinking that grown-ups must know better than me because they were bigger and there were more of them. That if what they said contradicted what I felt, since they were bigger than me thier wisdom would also be greater, and the fact that so much of what I felt contradicted external messages/teachings only meant that I was useless and stupid and wrong and that my feelings/insincts/thoughts could not be trusted.

It is still difficult for me, to follow what I feel is right on the inside. Because it feels... frightening and shockingly self-indulgent.

I'm attending a ten-week training course to do with working with adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Despite the hour long commute each way, and the cold, and the fact that I left with whopper of a headache, I've really enjoyed the first session and am looking forward to next week's. I think the migraine had more to do with other people than me, I must be more mindful when it comes to shielding otherwise I sometimes pick up and absorb other people's heaviness like a sponge.

I think it will be potentially a very challenging course, we will be doing some very deep stuff emotionally, including role play and I know that can take its toll. I've made space for it in my own life, yet deep is where I want to go. I yearn for the profound exploration of the psyche, my own and that of others. To find depths and secrets and the thousand different facets of a situation or a human being. To dive in and explore that which is hidden.

I am curious to see how many people will drop out. I am the only one of the trainees so far with anything resembling calm and confidence. Everyone else is quaking and part of it makes me question my own feelings of self-assuredness, my own feelings that I do know what I am doing.

I am very proud of myself because I managed to drag myself out of bed this morning and go to the gym, even though it was a really ungodly hour of 7:30 am. I did quite a few exercises, also got shown some exercises to try which would get me fit without straining my knee and I am really buzzed. I am very very very proud of myself. I aim to get into that bloody gym as often as I can.

My goal at the minute is three times a week at least, but hopefully five, three gym sessions and two sessions in the swimming pool.

Because as much as I hate getting up doing that exercise really made me feel soooooooooo good. True, the only reason why I actually made it down in the first place is because the nice trainer man said he'd show me how all the machines worked and give me pointers on safe ways for me to exercise but hey, it got my butt out of bed regardless of how much my butt wanted to stay in bed.

The best thing is I dragged myself to the gym with remnants of a migraine and after the exercise my headache went away. :)

I have firm intentions of going back there tomorrow. :) I hope if I get myself into a disciplined groove early enough I can keep it up. And to channel the tiredness/negativity I feel into exercise.

I did better than I thought I would, but I was very focused on my breathing and was able to push past muscle pain, so I'm very happy with myself.


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 23rd, 2004 09:03 am (UTC)
I feel the same way a lot of the time. I would guess I lost my confidence when I was 9 or 10 or something. When I was a kid, I believed I could do anything I put my mind to. And then I stopped putting my mind to things. I'd love to have that kind of determination again.

And good for you for going to the gym. You probably feel better afterwards, so you are doing yourself a favor (although it's hard to keep that in mind, when you're all comfy in bed).

I've dragged myself to my yoga classes when I've felt like shit, and I always feel tons better afterwards.

The sexual abuse thing does sound intense. It's good that you are prepared for it.

Years ago I signed up to be a court advocate for kids in the foster care system. After the first night of training, seven people dropped out. By the time we got through the whole training, our group was only about half the size as when we had started. It can be really tough.

I think you'll be/are a great counselor. Just take care of yourself, okay?
Feb. 25th, 2004 07:29 am (UTC)
I think you'll be/are a great counselor. Just take care of yourself, okay?

Thank you, I'll do my best. :)
Feb. 23rd, 2004 09:37 am (UTC)
hurrah for going to the gym! you inspire me :)

how does shielding work? i absorb other people's emotions too and it's very frustrating. sometimes i have trouble distinguishing between my true mood and everyone else's moods i'm picking up on.

Feb. 25th, 2004 07:44 am (UTC)
I've been trying to find some consicely written down shielding exercise I could point you towards but have not been succesful thus far.

The theory is you have an energy field arond you (the aura) which interacts with the energy fields of pretty much everything and everyone else. Each aura has a greater or lesser degree of filters. People who are sensitive have thinner filters, this is what allows them to pick up more, and to be attuned to the energies/moods of others.

So, what I do in situations where I don't want to be sensitive is increase the thickness of my filters. Normally I go to a quiet place (even if it is a bathroom in McDonalds), relax my braething and imagine on each inhalation feeling myself and my energy space being filled with pure, cleansing light and on each outbreath channeling all the muck I've picked up down into the earth where its energy can be recharged and *detoxified*.

And then I imagine myself being wrapped in an egg of golden or white or blue light, whichever feels best and that this egg is like my own personal firewall permitting into it only the energies which are beneficial to me.

The only way I can get myself recharged normally if I have been picking up and absorbing the negative energies of others is to get to some quiet space where I am alone, remove myself from the energies of others and that makes it easier to know which feelings I am experiencing belong to me and which are those I picked up.

If it has already got to migraine level there is not a lot to do for it for me but to sleep though, shut down for a bit and do strong shielding meditations when I wake up. I think a lot of how shielding works is to get you focused on your own energy, energetically egocentric as it were which makes filters much thicker.

Part of my job is being able to pick up on the moods of others, to intuitively read their energies, so most of the time I actively work on thinning my filters. But there are times and places when that is not appropriate and I try to close my energy down and it helps a lot.

I've tried to explain it best I could, i hope it doesn't read like a load of complete crock.

Take care :)
Feb. 23rd, 2004 12:10 pm (UTC)
eep...how challenging
I want to know how shielding works too...it's a mystery to me. All my life I've been oversensitive to moods of others (can't watch films with other ppl, for example)

Heh, well done on the gym. It's the 'can't be bothered' bit before that's the problem...once you're doing the crunches (or whatever!) it is its own reward...

awkward sentence, I know :D
Feb. 25th, 2004 07:46 am (UTC)
Re: eep...how challenging
I've been good and I went to the gym again, and it's true once I got into the crunches & co. it was cool. ;)

For shielding exercises, see comment and reply above, I've left grazia a small essay on the subject.

Take care of you and good luck on the interviews! I am sending positive vibes your way.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )


deep sky, firefly

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