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Food stuff

When I was spending weekend with mate he kept commenting on how little I eat. I don't think I eat little. I think he eats a lot.

I think of myself as a glutton, I have this perception that I am eating all the time and it kind of suprises me when i notice that I am losing weight. I think I may have gone down another clothing size or am well on that route.

I feel horrible when I eat. And on days like today, when it feels like all I've done is eat I really hate it. I wasn't even hungry. More nervous and unhappy and bored and eating just seemed like a good idea at the time. Because I feel almost constantly queasy nowadays, and the taste of food helps mask that for a while.

Three slices of cheese. Three slices of bread one of them with butter. A piece of fatty fish. Three fruit yoghurts. Two biscuits. I just see it as this mound of sugar and calories and carbs looming large and threatening in my brain. I don't know how much said articles of food have calories but it's about twice as much as I felt comfortable eating.

Food feels really bad.
For once this is not so much about fat as the fact that in my head food seems bad.
And that eating makes me a bad person somehow.
That I am wrong for doing it.

Without food my body feels calmer, cleaner, purer. Less weighed down with stuff and itself.

I'm remembering a lot and some of it is difficult processing. How food was used to shut me up and as a manipulative emotional tool by my grandmother. To show love and hierarchy. The food chain. Those she loved got the best pieces of what she cooked. Those she didn't love got the scraps.

I remember a time when my grandmother pounced on the piece of meat on my mother's plate and snatched it from her shouting: *Witch! You took the best piece for yourself!* as though this was a crime, even if it were true. I remember my father walked away from the table. But I didn't. I just ate what was there.

I remember when I was twelve and first came to live with my aunt who decided I was too fat and put me on strictly rationed portioned out food. One slice of marble cake or two slices of french bread with ham for breakfast. At each communal mealtime a portion allocated to everybody in accordance to how thin or fat they were.

I remember eating secretly for years, from the age of about 12 to 17 and how dirty it made me feel but how I also didn't stop it. It was something hidden and shameful and helplessly alluring, like masturbation. To feel good was to be bad. And I ate, hid food and ate as though I was seeking something intangible or trying to fill some great void inside myself.

Most of the times when I eat, it feels as though it is not food but some pollutant I am ingesting.

Hatred and fear and secrets and lies.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 9th, 2004 06:39 pm (UTC)
*makes catlike noise of mournfulness and of affection*

I am starting to think I am not a particularly pleasant type when I've had food too. ;)
Feb. 9th, 2004 02:40 pm (UTC)
*raises hand*
I'm glad you were strong enough to stop at 17!

Food and I: discuss.

Mum said this morning that I was a retard for - amongst other things - eating her cooking during her visit. I should have cooked for her apparently. Funny how this never came up with Brother though he cooks better than me, but men aren't supposed to.

So - huge row, as they were leaving - I said this was the last time I was eating her cooking "and for God's sake don't hurry back, it's harmful to me"

Parents took my fervent pleas for them to stay away as a sign that I am missing them already and promised to hurry back


So what do I do the moment they go: eat eat eat like there's no tmrw. And not Mum's cooking of course, because even a glutton can sulk, so I binge on factory-made crisps instead.

Feel as worthless as she said I was yesternight
Feb. 9th, 2004 06:42 pm (UTC)
Re: *raises hand*
Have you ever considered the theory that perhaps you are a changeling?

Your mother sounds like an idiot, but hey, hurray, at least they've left now.

I sulk like a trooper. And I totally get where the binging impulse is coming from.

You are not stupid. You are not worthless. You are a talented and interesting human being.

Feb. 11th, 2004 01:33 pm (UTC)
Changeling? lol!
Actually no - because for 20 years Mum has said she sees the bad blood from Dad's family flowing in my veins ;)

*desperately shoves crisps multipack to inaccessible area so it will be too difficult to reach it when bingeing impulse comes*

You are a talented and interesting human being.

thank you :)
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )


deep sky, firefly

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