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the agony and the ecstasy

Today, parenting has largely consisted of allowing helena to systematically demolish the house. She turned out the contents of all the drawers with such joy that I didn't have the heart to stop her even if I had had the voice/muscle capacity to do so. It's also why when Z came home she was sitting in a sea of paperclips and post-its wearing my bra on her head while several pairs of my tights were strung around her neck like Mardi Gras necklaces.

There is no one in this world who brings me as much joy as my daughter. it doesn't matter how much or how little she loves me, or the fact that she's increasingly forceful in her attachment to Z (she's started shoving me out of the way if she wants to get at him)- just the sight of her barrelling and lurching through the room, just the sound of her talking to herself in her own vivid language- that is my deepest happiness made manifest on this earth.

baby in the sand

Almost everything about her thrills me. Her affection for airplanes; the look of concentration on her face when she is dancing; her belly laugh; the gleam of delight that takes over her face when she manages to swoop down and nick something and the dissapointed look which follows if you don't chase her to get the object back; her signature trick of lifting one arm above her head, in the manner of a magician's assistant, and shouting "TA-DA" whenever she has done anything of which she is particularly proud (which is pretty much everything)- she is the core of my delight and I could spend all day just watching her.


Both of my children have taught me unconditional love. They have taught me about responsibility and commitment, pride and humility. One of my teachers is significantly more forceful than the other, but both have given me things of incredible value. Matei has taught me endurance and perseverance. He has held up the mirror to my impatience and my weakness, my fury, my inner dark. Taught me how to rebuild myself after being sundered, how to keep testing out and discarding my ideas of what is right in the pursuit of what works. Taught me to let go of expectations and yearning and learn to love what is. Even when (sometimes especially when) the is is getting up in the small hours.

And Helena has been my own rebirth. She has been, and continues to be my joy. To infuse my life with playfulness and humour. To light up all our lives with her easy and abundant happiness as much as with her dramatic turns and fiery temperament. I am glad that she has a mighty voice, a vivid anger when crossed. The world stomps on girls often enough; at least this one will bite it on the ankle.

My son challenges me, she replenishes me. I need both and I am so utterly utterly blessed to have the gift of these children. To watch these two extraordinary people grow into themselves, grow up.




( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Nov. 22nd, 2011 10:43 am (UTC)

Wow, amazing post and thank you for sharing. Extraordinary experience, reflection and realisation. x

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )


deep sky, firefly

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