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Mrrrrffffff. Graaarghh. Urg.


It is easy to keep moving here because there is so much to do, so many places to go and people to see, so little time to do it all in. The lulls are dangerous. THe slumps. When I stop. And the destructive hubbub in the back of my mind gets loud, broken-toothed like a ship wreck lifted by the waves.

Not really feeling like I can talk about most of what's going on.

Dealing with anger is hard, possibly the hardest bit of this. I feel like my mind is coming apart at the seams but for once that is not due to my kin.

I've been kind of expecting this, hard shit is here and the challenge is in learning how to live with it, and trying to live with it in a new way.

Had to go for blood tests yesterday. I think the nurse was new at it, as she had a bit of a mishap with the needle. I capitalised. It was like legal SI. I was just watching it all in a semi detached, very amused way going *heh. cool*. Poor girl felt really bad about it and a wee bit panicky and I was doing my best to reassure her that it was no big deal. I've got a fairly impressive looking bruise by way of souvenir.

Blood works show hormones are still a bit out of whack but my blood sugar has gone right down to being at the lower end of normal.

I am tired. I would like to just close my eyes and sleep forever.

I've been having a recurring dream, two of them. In one I am lying underwater, at the bottom of the sea, or a pool. I've got my eyes open and I can look to see the light where the dancing, shimmering surface is. Everything I see, every noise I hear comes to me diluted from beyond the weight of water. It is not a distressing dream. I am not sure what it is. Crossroads perhaps.

The second is stranger. In my dream, I wake up. I am cold. I am sitting on the edge of the bathtub or floating near the ceiling. In the bathtub is my body and it is drifting gently. It looks asleep. Everything would look almost serene except that the bathwater is completely red. I feel little, only slight sadness.

If I was a noise I would be something bright and clear that cracked and sundered slowly like a work of art. Ice or glass or frost, gently coming apart.
Like a Jenga tower.
A house of cards.
The constructions of ash at the end of a burning cigarette.

I am so angry and I am trying to find a way of channeling it that does not involve sharp objects. It's hard, but that's not really unexpected.

I am tired and I hurt. I want everything to end.

But aside from that I'm great.


deep sky, firefly

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