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Theme Music ...

.... for the living outloud project.

Throughout my adolescence, whenever I thought of my life I divided it into Before and After Dad, and then in later years Before and After War just for variety. I felt divided and unhealable, in the wake of all those deaths and bombs. And I spent most of those years in grim survivor mode, battening down hatches against love and the possibilities of loss and rejection.

My twenties have become the Before and After Z years. The life I have now would have been inconceivable for me in 2003. If you had asked me then I would have shaken my head at the possibility that I would be doing this - loving and trusting again, and being loved so profoundly in return. Z has seeped into my life, under my skin slowly and unobtrusively, almost by osmosis until one day I realised how much my world had been smoothed and changed by his being.

Talking about stabilising influences and cheerful optimism doesn't sound like the stuff of thrilling romance, but they are the essential components of this deepest, happiest love story I've ever known.

For so many years I thought and talked about myself in the languages of brokeness- abandonment, bereavement, betrayal, loss. Probably I will always be a bit dented and scuffed, but I am not broken now.

Whatever may happen between us, Z has loved me and nurtured me and in his wake I shine. And a lot of this relationship, and of me, is summed up in this song*:

*Z hates most of what he calls my 'waily waily girly music', of which this song is a prime example. However, considering that he spent his formative musical years sporting misguided facial hair and playing electric guitar in a heavy metal band called Orion, I don't think he's in any position to comment on taste.


( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 4th, 2009 09:25 pm (UTC)
yay for coming this far
lovely photo
(is that photo deliberate? - drooling over scarf and snail-like pendant :)))

My life is pretty much clearly divided too - before J and glorious one after J too, much more than before-uni and post-uni
Oct. 4th, 2009 09:51 pm (UTC)
I agree with you over the optimism and stability.
I've had fireworks and misery and I wouldn't ever want to go back there. People confuse conflict with excitement too often in relationships.
A lovely post but I'm afraid I'm probably nearer Z's musical taste than yours.
Oct. 5th, 2009 01:16 am (UTC)
Stabilizing influences and cheerful optimism sound like the stuff of great romance to me because they are the stuff of real romance. Great song.

Oct. 5th, 2009 01:54 am (UTC)
i'm with them. there is so much to be said for what you have found. hell yeah, you should cherish and celebrate it! ~karal
Oct. 5th, 2009 07:32 am (UTC)
This post made me happy. Yay.
Oct. 5th, 2009 10:18 am (UTC)
You're such a handsome couple!
Oct. 5th, 2009 05:13 pm (UTC)
Your writings have changed over the years. You have to me, mellowed a lot, and I have always put that change down to Z. It is wonderful to see.

I loved intense you, who felt everything so deeply, but I love the mellower you too, and I suspect that the depth of feeling isn't gone, just buffered somewhat, by a backbone of love, rather than pain.

Oct. 6th, 2009 02:56 am (UTC)
This is so wonderful AND you are such an incredible writer.
Nov. 21st, 2009 07:26 am (UTC)
Your post title and post content is informative for us. Thanks for sharing this post with us. Your writings have changed over the years. You have to me, mellowed a lot, and I have always put that change down to Z. It is wonderful to see.
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )


deep sky, firefly

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