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the heart would weep

Well my modem has thrown a fit and died. I was hoping it would spontaneously resurrect but this has not yet occurred.
I swear dealing with it is much akin to trying to reason with Yugoslav bureacracy.

So I've given up.

My family is driving me nuts with their old seamless ease but I am fighting back.

I was finally starting to crack under the pressure of people going *Don't you dare put on any weight* while simultaneously bringing me cake, so I finally broke down and had cake. However, I impressed myself by being constructive about it and went and swam for an hour (did a kilometre, yay me). I have impressed myself further by resolving to do an hour of exercise at least every second day, but preferrrably every day.

I went to water aerobic today, and I swear I was the only person there not in thier late fifties (aside from the instructor) but hey, that's ok for many reasons. a) the flabbiness of my thighs did not look out of place b)I did not feel particularly unfit c) it wasn't crowded.

I had very bravely left my glasses in the changing room, and my sight without them is pretty poor. One eye is decent, and it dominates and I could see the instructor and what she wa doing even from ten metres away although she was slightly blurry. My bigger problem was that half the time I could not hear what she was saying, so I mostly took the cues from the people around me.

All the beatuiful snow has melted into slush, so wlking to my mother's house (whose computer I am now using) was like wading through a swamp. Shoes, feet, socks, everything soaked.

My muscles ache but in a good way, in a you're getting fit rahter than we're going to become inflamed mwahahahahaha way.

My mother is showing fairly bad responsiveness to anything I have to say, but this is not unexpected and I am coping with it okay. It is hard though, of course it is.

*Mom please don't talk about my body or my weight, because it is not helpful to me right now, but is in fact making me feel stressed* was greeted wiht a flare of:
*I've had enough! I can't say anything to you! All i say and do is wrong, you'd thnk I was your worst ennemy the way you treat me* and so on in this vein. Got sorted out eventually with only a minimal breakdown from me.

With grandother things are harder going, they always are, and every day is a struggle in some way. Things about her which drive me nuts are way too numerous to list here, but one of them is her constant whinging and melodramatic moaning, as well as her insistence on shuffling around and doing things, while pretending she is only doing it for me. I know she is probably really too old for me to change much about tht dynamic, and I am being vengeful and childish and instead of trying to sort it out vexing and punishing her in return by not being in the house, not telling her where I am going or when I will be back.

It is not constructive because it will find some way of making things harder on me eventually, but just for now, I can't be doing anything else.

And I am coping much better than in recent visits. I judge this from the fact that I am not suicidal and I've had ample vexation.

I know my grandmother is striking out in turn because she keeps telling me how awful all my clothes are and how unattractive I look. Plus the fact that she is *showing her affection* by baking me a cake (after I had explicitly asked her not to do so). Why my family can't show affection say by making an effort not to shred my nerves instead is beyond me.

it is probably a good thing that I don't know any proper swearwords in Russian otherwise I would have used the foulest language known to me by now. There are times too numerous to count when I cannot stand to be in the same room as that old witch lest I lose it completely. (Of course, I am spending a lot of time by myself or out of the house and it is cool).

My grandmother is an absolute terrorist when it comes to food. One of the reasons that she insists on cooking all the meals, or getting all the food from the fridge is because she cannot stand the thought of anyone else being boss in her house of her kitchen. Plus she hides food like a squirrel so I don't get any fancy notions of offering it to my friends. (The downside of course is tht she frequently forgets where she has hidden things and we are only pulled to them months later by the stink of rot).

There are moments when I think I could cheerfully murder the lot of them, but these are nanoseconds. I work past my rage and my angst back into patience and love and my ever more likely nervous breakdown.

So in case no one hears from me for a while it is probably a matter of the fact that I can't get online rather than that I have offed myself or some such.

I am really pretty ok, my moments of emotional rollercoastering are only isolated incidents and not the general tone of matters. Overall I am doing really well and managing to have fun. :)


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 16th, 2004 07:16 am (UTC)
Your family really have a thing about your weight, don't they? Are they all so weight-obsessed when it comes to themselves?

I'm glad that you are holding up, and especially glad that you aren't suicidal.

Good job on the exercise. One of the reasons I avoid swimming is that without my hearing aids, I'm completely stone deaf. And without my glasses (yeah, wotta prize) everything is just a blur.

Take care of yourself, okay?
Jan. 16th, 2004 10:29 am (UTC)
"Your family really have a thing about your weight, don't they?"
It is one of thier favourite obsessions along with what I've eaten pr am goign to eat and whether I am wearing warm enough clothes.

"Are they all so weight-obsessed when it comes to themselves?"
Yes, although possibly to a slightly lesser degree. But they're all always harping on about how much weight they've gained and lost and so on in this vein ad nauseam.

I will endavour to look after me :)
Jan. 16th, 2004 04:41 pm (UTC)
I'm glad to hear that in general you are doing well, it sounds frusterating and tiresome, but it sounds like you ARE holding up well, which is awesome.
hang in there!
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )


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