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about that blue thing

While babies aren't accompanied by manuals, health professionals still make sure that you pick up a few things like: feed them when they're hungry, don't shake them when they drive you crazy and if you see a rash that doesn't dissappear when you press a glass over it freak the fuck out.

Also, this:


So last week when Matei with no breathing difficulties suddenly acquired blue lips and an azure cast to his skin I consulted these handy notes and thought to myself "Something isn't right!" and proceeded with Z to A&E with some haste.

It was 7pm when we got there - not quite the witching hour - but already full enough of crying children and surly flirting teenagers (Teenager 1: Shut aaaaaap! You're such a wanker. Teenager 2: You shut aaaaaaaap, slag!) to promise a lively evening even before Matei launched into his own operatic recital (Ode: How I hate all thee).

So I walked the hallways up and down with a wailing feverish overtired baby waiting to be seen by medical professionals or for Surly Teenagers to relocate their bonding rituals (now with shoving and mock-sulking!)off the only available seating. After a precarious nappy change and an unsuccesful attempt to distract Matei with bubbles from the horrors of having his pulse rate measured we were ushered into a room of our very own with instructions to make the baby nekkid and collect a urine sample in a receptacle about the size and shape of a test tube.

We took off his nappy. He peed for 0.03 seconds. Unfortunately my human reflexes were not able to catch it. Z berated me. I berated him back. To present a united front we gave the baby a bottle of watered apple juice (240 mls) and a bottle of milk (240mls) delegated tasks and settled down for a grim stakeout.

I can think of a number of tasks more rewarding than waiting for an overtired, pissed-off infant to pee (such as tilling fields, and rolling a rock up a mountain) but alas none of these options were available to me. Instead there was waiting. And more waiting. And then more waiting after that interspersed with some screaming and protesting. Matei refused to pee. We decided to step up the offensive by making him drink another 200 mls of water by serving it up in a syringe. Matei still refused to pee.

The doctor came and tried to listen to our son's breathing. Matei fought this insult by becoming possessed by demons. The doctor left. No pee came. Another hour passed. Then another hour.

I re-read the same three books fifty times. Z made balloons out of latex gloves. Matei burst them. His cast-iron bladder remained unmoved. We jiggled him up and down but this made no difference. We turned on the tap in the room but this did nothing except add to the world's water wastage problem. Matei's stomach was so swollen from all the liquid that it looked like a mountain and he couldn't move without making a sloshing sound but still, he didn't pee.

The doctor came to take a look at his ears and throat. There was much infant Resisting Authority and Fighting and Terror and Screaming but no pee. We waited some more. My despair took on the colour of NHS hospital rooms. We tried whispering Pshhhhhhhhh psshhhhhhhhh to our son but it made no difference. Z and I passed the time by bickering. Jesus wept.

Finally like a light in a thankless tunnel I managed to scavange a chair from somewhere and stand Matei up on it so that we could stick his hand under warm running water. He peed gallons. I nearly peed myself with happiness.

Matei was diagnosed with gastro virus NOS, we were told that his blue episode was Just One Of Those Unexplicable Things but most importantly we were told we could leave. We did. It was nearly midnight. Then we all got home and slept like the dead although no one actually died.

Happy The End.


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
Jun. 19th, 2009 07:50 pm (UTC)
For our next trick, next time he's sleeping we're going to draw on him an elaborate curly-tipped moustache.
Jun. 19th, 2009 08:22 pm (UTC)
Having a baby sounds like a lot of "fun"!

I might try it sometime (probably circa January 2010).
Jun. 19th, 2009 09:27 pm (UTC)
It's always a pleasure to see you around, despite interference of this 'real life' :)
Oooh! It sounds like congratulations are in order (unless you're only planning on starting one next year).

Either way I highly reccomend babies. Especially when they're asleep.

Jun. 19th, 2009 09:28 pm (UTC)
Duh! Idiot. The anonymous was me - I forgot I was logged out.
Jun. 19th, 2009 08:29 pm (UTC)
Oh God I feel your pain. Zakary had 3 days of constant vommitting and I was dispatched home by the GP with a urine sample bottle. Several hours of hell followed. I wish I'd known about the warm water and hand trick as I tried all the others you mentioned. Finally managed to get a sample and the b******s phoned a week later to say IT WASN'T ENOUGH!!! You can imagine my response?! Luckily Z was all better by then so no repeat was necessary.

Glad your little man is ok. These things can be so scary x
Jun. 23rd, 2009 11:16 am (UTC)
I've always heard something about a mythical urine collection bag you can fit onto a baby, but have never seen evidence of such a malleable receptacle.

Glad Z is all better now.:)
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )


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