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some obligatory mother guilt

If my life (or, more accurately my sanity) were a WWF match, in one corner there would be

Towering Piles Of Coursework And Deadlines

while in the opposite corner stands
Toddler Who Has The Energy Of Bunny On Crack and the Malleability Of A Filing Cabinet, but No Concept Of Hazard Or Own Mortality

Toddlers and Coursework are inimicable, implacable forces whose soul uniting aspect is that they are both corrosive nemeses of a harmonious mind. Each is needy and makes endless demands on my time, each constantly distracts from the other and between their Campaigns Of Terror I can't remember the last time I slept.

I love doing my course, but it is brutally stressful at times and it very much leaves Z picking up the pieces as far as childcare is concerned. On one hand I long for a time when I could wake up and spend a leisurly weekend with my family, but on the other hand my clientwork is both enjoyable and necessary.

I've written before about my Matei-related challenges and anxiety - how I often feel on the outskirts of his life - that I am the person whom he gets along with least, the person who struggles hardest to find Fun Ways Of Spending Time Together. It's painful. Some days motherhood feels like dental procedures without anesthesia. It brings up every raw, unhealed place, every ghost I thought I'd left behind. Sometimes it revisits wounds I did not know I had. Sometimes I feel myself playing out my mother's life and it makes me sad immesurably, to be the person who cannot lift him up and throw him in the air, to be the person who is least around, to be the person whom he runs towards least.

Yesterday he didn't fall asleep until midnight (a combination of teething and the desire to point out every thing in the world keeping him awake) and while normally that sort of thing would drive me crazy (because there are Things! So many other Things I need to be doing!) yesterday I just let go and made us a nest in the garden and enjoyed the feel of him lying on my chest and I pointed out cats and planes and rustling leaves and I gloried in his little warm face on my neck and the feeling of love that takes residence in your stomach and speaks, and is spoken to in the space between, without words.

I am attempting to recalibrate my mind. Instead of assuming that things will go well and that I will feel good and then feeling dissapointed and self-flaggelating every time they don't, I'm going to focus on the good moments instead. Feel each one as a victory. Remember it and glory in it and set each one to shine in my mind's keepsakes, like a star against a cobalt sky.

Lives are long. Hearts are resilient. Relationships are dented, but endure. As long as there is breath in me, I will not stop trying.


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 22nd, 2009 04:13 pm (UTC)
I love you, Nina-Nina!
May. 22nd, 2009 04:42 pm (UTC)
He's looking quite elven these days. Those ears!

What a wonderful legacy this journal will be when he's an adult, if you decide to share it with him -- you're such a terrific writer. I would love to have a record like this of my infancy.
May. 23rd, 2009 12:55 am (UTC)
May. 23rd, 2009 12:56 am (UTC)
May. 23rd, 2009 01:05 am (UTC)
Sometimes trying is all we can do. Keep trying.
May. 26th, 2009 06:48 pm (UTC)
*hugs* as usual I have nothing to say to make it all better, but I was reading this and nodding, and getting it.

Matei looks like a really happy little boy. He wouldn't be, if he didn't feel secure and loved by everyone around him. So you can't be doing that badly.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )


deep sky, firefly

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