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Some Shortcomings, presented In Order of Ridiculousness

*I have an inexplicable aversion to both Post and Post Offices. I tend to avoid both as much as possible, and I don't end up opening the former for sometimes ridiculous amounts of time.

*I have highly optimistic perceptions of time and my ability to accomplish things in that time.

*I hate kiwis (the fruit). I consider their every aspect loathesome and beyond redemption.

*I have an irrational and debilitating fear of rats and mice (it's the skinny naked tails) but not chinchillas. In fact, naked animals in general freak me out (well, except Home Sapiens).

*My filing system nowadays mostly seem to consist of shoving things in random nooks and boxes.

*I rarely seem to be able to distingish between mail I have returned in my mind, and the ones I have done in reality.

*I generally don't bother with instruction manuals, but attempt to work things out myself using a mix of intuition, deductive reasoning, and random pushing of buttons.

I am beginning to think that my choices to stay up until 11pm most nights in order to read the internet/natter with Z are deeply flawed. Either that, or they are being purposefully sabotaged by my son. Perhaps because he is teething. Either that or because he is a mean boy who wants to get back at me for not letting him lick electrical sockets. Only time will tell.

His father and I went to bed at midnight. Our son woke up at 3am. Normally he falls back asleep with minimal assistance which had lulled me into a false sense of security and my parental awesomeness. Instead, last night despite some promising snuggling with teddy bears and lying down I discovered that he would only be prepared to commit to sleep if I was willing to act as his personal hammock. Otherwise? Not so much. In fact he would go so far as to from time to time startle from seeimingly deep and peaceful sleep just to make sure I hadn't done anything evil like put him in his cot he, and when he saw me he would close his eyes again.

Six months ago this would have been the sort of thing that would have caused me to rail against the Unfairness and Shackling Horror of it all. And my railing in turn would also make me feel really shit about myself as a parent. (Most of the time I am at peace with my flaws as a human being, but my shortcomings as a mother dig at me; I always feel like I should strive harder, be more patient, more connected).

Nowadays though, because he on the whole sleeps well, I find it easier to keep my cool (and it also helps that I am not chronically overtired). When A Bad Night happens - I try not to be resentful about it, instead to use it as an opportunity to snuggle with my son. During the daytime he's generally far too busy to want to snuggle, and in a few years time he probably won't want to snuggle at all (on account of it, and me being EMBARASSING and What If Other People See?). So I stroke his hair, and kiss his hands, and he burrows his face more deeply into my neck and gently strokes my cheek.

And I employ Z's Making Babies Sleep trick #5 which is 'Never think of how much you want that baby to sleep, because it won't due to its contrary nature. Instead think of something else, a concept, like Mercy or Tranquility. And when you are immersed into it, the baby will absorb this concept by osmosis and drift off'*.

So that's what I tend to do nowadays. That, and some humming. And I feel happy that I CAN do this, can just be here for him, without wanting to disown him or wanting to pour poison in my ear.

*Z's theories are things of beauty because they are always straying into the metaphysical; I enjoy them all the more for rarely understanding what he talks about; it's a similar feeling that I used to get around Australians, when it sounds like they are speaking English but they are not.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 11th, 2008 02:36 pm (UTC)
mmmm, electrical sockets.

curiously I have a similar replying problem - I will think I've reply to an email (and text messages, ahem, sorry) when really I've just thought about what to say when cycling along. Often it's best left that way, mind... ;-)
Nov. 11th, 2008 07:16 pm (UTC)
Your husband's theory of getting a baby to sleep is so interesting! Good food for thought.
Nov. 11th, 2008 07:17 pm (UTC)
I always forget to put in my URL! The above anon comment was from me!
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )


deep sky, firefly

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