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R is for Rage and Ripping Up photos...

I have a difficult time with anger.
I always have done.
Anger is not an emtoion I am at all comfortable with.

To feel high levels of anger over an extended period of time (the past couple of weeks) is very troubling for me. It's like the grandmother of all PMS that just goes on and on and on.

I feel fury. Rage. Some of it I have valid reasons for. Some I don't. Some of it I am holding onto probably just out of sheer perversity and bloody-mindedness.

I have a conflict between what I feel and what I feel is fair, ie. I disown or deny most of my anger because I feel it is unjust. But I cannot deny that it is there. It is taking root more firmly.

The positive upslant of all this is that the anger for once is not directed at me. Yet, while i can recognise that self-destructiveness is an inappropriate channel for those emotions I think excessive rage at the external fits the bill as well.

I had a dream about my father. In my dream, I was pacing up and down, having a rant and throwing things and he was just watching me with amusement. He said: *Do you want to be angry with me, also?*

I replied that I'd been angry with him for fifteen years, and that now I'd prefer to be angry at people with loud shirts and offensive shoes.

I do not like myself when I am angry. It does not represent a state of mind I feel particularly proud of or at ease with. The best I can do is not act upon it, or deflect it or keep it silent. I can smash something non-sentient. I can write angry letters and then destroy them. I can swallow most of my viscious comments. Silence is my friend.

My feelings towards L, have flared up again and are becoming consolidated into absolute loathing. Not something I am entirely at peace with either, no matter how justly deserved the anger in this case. I would prefer to be able to let it go, to just move on, forgive and release. I would prefer not to be seething with my resentment and bitterness and rage.

I could work on this, and at some point I probably will have to. Until then, I am just focusing on containment and damage control.


deep sky, firefly

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