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Dec. 21st, 2003

I watched Iris last night (film about the life and times of Iris Murdoch on planet Alzheimer) and it was wonderful. At least I loved it. Nowadyas when I want to cry but can't, I appreciate films that make me cry.

All of this is clamouring in my head and pushing me to go back to acting. Because acting was something I was really good at, once I got over my stage fright and crippling shyness.

Part of what makes Tarot magical now, is what made acting magical then, this ability for even a little while to dissolve the boundaries of my being and take on the loves and fears of someone else. There is a wonderful challenge and a thrill in that shift, that transformation.

It is not so much trading my identity for someone else's, as expanding my concept of who I am, finding them in me. I was not playing a Princess, or a hysteric or a whore, I was not making them up from air, I was tapping into a part of me that was a princess, or a hysteric or a whore and bringing that up. So it was real. Everything that happened on stage was real. If i had a breakdown I had a breakdown. I was not emotionally separate in any way from my characters during a performance (afterwards, yes. but not during). THat was part of the beauty, the shared joy as far as I am concerned, between actors and audience.

There is something wonderful about watching a really powerful performance, that I find deeply moving. And I love it when anything, acting, a story is good enough to jump out at me, to absorb me. When the magic of the actor is extended to me, and it is not only Judi Dench strutting her amazing stuff as the slow breakdown of a talented writer with a devastating disease but it is me as well. For an instant, Iris, and anyone who lost the part of themselves that mattered the most, and anyone who loved someone and lost them slowly in pieces, we are all part of the same whole, the same tapestry, we are all one.

I had a conversation a while ago with a friend who said that when I describe things I often make them sound spiritual, but to me I am not tacking the spirituality on top of anything, I think everything is Spiritual, to me life and spirituality are the same and finding that spirituality, tapping it, is simply bringing out the magical essence of every created thing.

Crying nowadays is so often a release, something much needed and seldom experienced, in its own way a lot more fulfilling and necessary to me than orgasms.

But yes, good film, I thought the acting was marvellous even though I suppose some might consider it too flowery. The director of the film, Richard Eyre, gave a speech last week at graduation (he had received some kind of recognition from Liverpool). He was cool.

I was watching Judi and thinking, I could do this. I have done it and I know I was good. I want to do it again There was a time when acting had exhausted me, and I cope less well when there is no clearly defined role I can get my teeth into but still it is fun.

I could never do it as a career, but it is a love, and I think if I find an amateur dramatics thing, it could be fun.

I gave into pizza last night because I was starving and managed to consume waaaaaay too much and now i feel icky and fat and go need to do some exercise.


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Dec. 21st, 2003 12:23 pm (UTC)
Judi Dench is amazing, isn't she? She was in about half the films we watched for my shakespeare class last semester, and I felt her character every.single.time, from lady macbeth to a fairy, she rocked.
I would like to say that painting does something for me similar to what acting, or Tarot does for you, but I don't think it does, always. Sometimes. That's as good as I can manage.
But when it's there, and it's a spiritual experience, and you're finding parts of yourself to express, art can be amazing.

I feel you on the pizza, macaroni and cheese was my nemesis last night.. :roll:
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )


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