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Leaving nothing to chance

Spurred by the ever greater acts of contortionism required to cut/paint my toenails, I succumbed to the many temptations of capitalism and had my first pedicure. At first I was a bit frightened by the array of implements the beautician whipped out and attacked my feet with the attitude of grim determination required to tame the Jewish Toenail Of Doom (a curse passed down faithfully through the generations from mother to daughter). The Jewish Toenail of Doom may well be evidence that if not humans (then at least my maternal line) are descended not from monkeys but from hawks. It is gigantic and hardy and irregular shaped and laughs in the face of ambitions to turn it into something sweet and ladylike.

But no more shall I fear your rule of terror, Toenail! For you have been conquered by my tiny beautician and her Magical Box of Magical Tools! My feet have never looked so dainty. Were it not the depths of winter I would be prancing around in flip flops believe me (especially if my pelvis permitted me to prance).

Tomorrow's fiendish plans include a haircut and eyebrow wax, and then I shall be truly ready for motherhood and its grim promises that even having a shower will feel like an accomplishment.


On the other hand, the workings of the postal system continue to be a trial to me. Z's Christmas present (which I ordered in November) went on an exciting world tour via the Galapagos islands and the neighbours mailboxes and finally fell into my trembling little hands today. This is a relief and saves me the trouble of having to gift wrap tangerines, because that's the only other thing in the house that he doesn't know we have.

And on that same subject, talking with Z this morning:

N: Sweetie, you know how I said 'please feel free not to spend money on me at Christmas because We Are Poor and I still love you?' I totally meant that. Although, just so you know, I also meant the part where I went: 'However, please also remember how important it is to have something under the tree which I can unwrap. I don't care if it's small and symbolic, I don't care if it's a pebble you found on the street, as long as it's wrapped. And for me. And under the tree.' I completely meant that part as well. And failure to comply to these regulations will unleash Force 10 hormonal hatred upon you.

Z: *smiling beatifically* You are so cute.

N: *having a sudden vision of Z getting up on Christmas morning followed by the sound of some rustling and hissing, and maybe a scream and then walking into the living room to find one of the cats bound and trussed up with ribbons and bows mewling under our potted pine*


Also, like Z, who seemingly likes to pass the time by offending hippies, I can also be unfunny. And completely misjudge my audience.

A Very Pregnant Woman, Whose Child Was Due 12 Days Ago But Shows No Signs Of Wanting To Come Out: *crying* I just want it to be over. I just want it to be over. I can't move, I can't sleep, when I think of staying pregnant for just five more minutes I want to stab myself in the eye. I want my life to go on, and stop being stuck in this limbo. I CAN'T TAKE IT, YOU HEAR ME? And the baby it just doesn't shift.

N: Start drinking and smoking to teach it a lesson.

*A stony silence ensues.*


( 25 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 20th, 2007 05:29 pm (UTC)
i feel vindicated
That always makes me feel better. :D

What fiendishness are you going to get up to over the holidays?
Dec. 20th, 2007 04:34 pm (UTC)
That would have got me wetting myself with laughter.
But that said, I'm not sure that I can predict whether a pregnant-and-overdue me might have a sense of humour bypass.
Dec. 20th, 2007 05:30 pm (UTC)
I think I'm going to just stay quiet for a bit, before people begin speed dialling social services.
Dec. 20th, 2007 04:39 pm (UTC)
OH my goodness, that is such a brilliant way to prepare for imminent small person arrival. (The pedicure, haircut and general pampering, not the smoking and drinking.) I totally want to do that if/when I'm in the same position!
Dec. 20th, 2007 05:31 pm (UTC)
Heh, yes. The nesting instinct, I have not, but the pampering instinct is going full force. :D
Dec. 20th, 2007 04:46 pm (UTC)
Yes, you are funny but doing the civilised thing many of us have done when so laden. I don't think overdue girls get a humour bypass, they merely lose their bullshit margin.

Try hoofing it up a long sustained hill if you're desperate. I swear it started stuff moving for me, but I didn't keep going long enough::-)

Dec. 20th, 2007 05:34 pm (UTC)
I'm not desperate yet, although I will be if the child remains within me in 2008.

Sadly since my pelvis doesn't allow for any activity more bold than a lurch to the loo every few hours, I may have to resort to telepathically issued threats and cajolings.

I swear it started stuff moving for me, but I didn't keep going long enough::-)


A friend of mine whose due date was my wedding day spent all of the wedding reception running up and down various stairs and she had her baby two days later in 15 minutes. As much as I admire her example, I don't think I'll be able to replicate it.
Dec. 20th, 2007 04:59 pm (UTC)
yeah, keep walking.
Although, I hated people telling me how to go into labor. It pissed me off so badly.
Dec. 20th, 2007 05:36 pm (UTC)
Ah, the walking. I would if I could. But I haven't been able to walk for more than 15 minutes a day without the use of serious analegisia for a month.

I'm just hoping that the baby feels kind, or is at least clever enough to realise that the best way for us to bond is for me to not feel tortured.
Dec. 20th, 2007 06:20 pm (UTC)
Maybe this is just so that you won't mind the labour pain so much: You shall push with all you're might to get the baby out and be happy to do it! lol
Dec. 20th, 2007 06:18 pm (UTC)
Your *first* pedicure?!!! Girl, I'm impressed!

I'm not pregnant and I can easily reach my toes. But my efforts with a brush coated with colored sticky fluid? Pathetic. I look like I was fingerpainting with my feet. So I (grudgingly) pay someone to take care of those details for me, so that I won't horrify people in yoga class. I'm jealous that you're (usually) able to accomplish this on your own.

I think the smoking and drinking comment is funny, too.

But then a co-worker and I once agreed that we'd take up those habits if we found ourselves pregnant, just because we wanted small babies and easy labor. "Like a goldfish coming out," my co-worker said. I think it's been established that I'm evil and heartless, though.

Dec. 27th, 2007 12:57 pm (UTC)
Like a goldfish coming out," my co-worker said.


I've told the baby that if he doesn't sleep I shall take to drinking copious amounts of tequila while breastfeeding in the hopes it keeps him docile.
Dec. 20th, 2007 07:25 pm (UTC)
N: Start drinking and smoking to teach it a lesson.

That WAS very funny!
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 27th, 2007 12:58 pm (UTC)
If the wretched flesh were not too pelvically painful for intimate contact I would probably be seducing my husband more than it is legal to do so.
Dec. 21st, 2007 11:30 pm (UTC)
I thought it was funny *today*, but back when I was Miss Whale, I sure wouldn't have! My every thought was on getting enough food in my mouth, and plotting how to get off of chairs to lumber to the restroom.

I was that VPW, and said those very words :).

Good luck, and (try) to sleep now!

Dec. 22nd, 2007 06:41 pm (UTC)
I was laughing so hard...

Adopt me, pleeeeaassse! I'm already born!

Dec. 27th, 2007 12:59 pm (UTC)
Adopt me, pleeeeaassse! I'm already born!

And housetrained and everything!
Damn, i wish I'd know that was an option before I got pregnant.
Dec. 23rd, 2007 12:10 am (UTC)
BTDT, although I was the pregnant woman who made sure not to get into the floor, because it damned near took a hoist to get me off the floor (could NOT do it own my on). Alas, I too was overdue and nothing I did encouraged Sarah to leave her comfortable, snug place (inluding walking and taking rides in the back of a pickup truck thru the woods).
Dec. 27th, 2007 01:00 pm (UTC)
I am stepping up the offensive with Project Eating Curry So Hot I Think It Sets My Brain On Fire.

I've also been doing a very cunning impression of the weak struggles of an overturned turtle when I'm attempting to arise from my lounging position on the sofa.
Dec. 24th, 2007 10:25 am (UTC)
A friend of mine was determind that she was NOT having a baby without having shaved her bikini line, so as she went into early labour, she wedged herself into her bath with a razor. she says it wasn't a pretty sight, but she was all cleanly shaven *grins*

I hope that everything goes to plan for you *loves*
Dec. 27th, 2007 01:01 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :)

How was your Christmas?

*loves back*
Dec. 28th, 2007 12:18 pm (UTC)
It was great thanks :o) I hope your day of laziness was good too!

Hopefully, you're off having a baby *fingers crossed*
Dec. 27th, 2007 10:34 pm (UTC)
Oh man, that'd totally be me... though given the awkwardness of shaving I may have to spring for a wax when I'm pregnant.

Though, on the other hand, considering that when you're having the baby you POOP IN FRONT OF PEOPLE pubic hair may be the least of my concerns. I mean, really. Poop! In front of everyone!

(The fact that disturbs me so much is possibly yet another indicator that I am not ready to have children.)
Dec. 28th, 2007 12:17 pm (UTC)
*grins* i hear you!
Dec. 27th, 2007 10:28 pm (UTC)
Not to scare you, but my boyfriend wouldn't come out until a whole MONTH after his due date. His poor mother told me that she ate whole batches of cookies every day because she was so miserable.
( 25 comments — Leave a comment )


deep sky, firefly

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