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When I think of the Saturn-Neptune square in my natal chart I often think of the affliction I drag around in which I am a cynic and scientist trapped within a body of a clairvoyant. Throughout my life I have been consistently at a loss to explain how I know the most things that I do, because knowing them doesn't make sense. Finally I've reconciled myself to the fact that even though I can't explain how it works, it does work and I need to just deal with that and get the inner scientist to a quiet bar where they can have a nice drink with an olives and umbrella in.

I know that some? many? of the people on my flist come under the 'hard science' take on reality, which is fine and therefore please feel free to dismiss the esoteric nature of what is to follow as the ramblings of my confused-but-imaginative mind.

I’ve always had a knack for sensing presences. Knowing someone was standing in the doorway of a room when my back was turned (even if I hadn’t heard their footsteps) just through feeling the glare of their presence and attention on me. Knowing to phone home because someone was either in trouble of just trying really hard to get hold of me. Knowing when someone I’m in the room with is angry because the air between us vibrates differently. Sensing the wakefulness of Z in the dark because of the change in the energy of him. Heartbreakingly, feeling the mute presence of my father’s ghost hovering at the edge of my senses throughout many years after he died. Reading people and the unspoken shapes of things, in the same way that I could read the sweep of tarot cards on the table.

When I got pregnant I was very curious about what I could sense of my baby, and for a long time that was mostly nothing. It felt like a greedy little animal, intent on burrowing and growing. But in the 11th week I gradually began to sense the beginnings of a mind. It was like the baby was slowly beginning to get infused with a personality and even though it still spent most of its time 'sleeping' there were sparks of a mind there. If I reached out towards the baby with my mind I would feel this onrush of joy and excitement in response. Sometimes images would pop into my mind unbidden (particularly of baby toes, as though their discovery and presence caused the baby excitement) and I'd send back in turn images of what I was seeing (water and sky, Spanish countryside, shoes in shops). Z's hand low down on my abdomen elicited rupture - a deep sensuous pleasure. The presence of loud shouty noises and Z's frustration with the M1 caused me to sense jarring vibrations - startlement and fear but reassurance from me calmed them.

The flashes of images I get are changing - last week it was baby toes, in week 13 it's the images of a hand brushing against the baby's face. And for the first time, I am feeling the beginning of not just mind but presence of something like the ghost of a person. It sparks itself awake sometimes and then I have a feeling of communication, of messages - I will be gentle carried on feelings of protectiveness, the fear that it's hurting me.

It's all... a most curious sensation. I don't know what to think about it all. The rational part of me sort of wants to dismiss it, but the wiser, quieter part lives in harmony with the ineffable nowadays and wants to keep notes on what else the baby has to say for itself in the coming days - and how my feeling of it changes.

Tomorrow I'm going for an ultrasound scan to assess various aspects of the little bugger and see what it looks like nowadays. Z is brokenhearted about not being able to come with and has instructed me only 75 times so far on the importance of asking the ultrasound technicians whether they can make a video

Poll #1007394 the invisible world

I'm thinking of making a filter for when I talk about the esoteric and the ineffable. Would you like to be on it?

Yes, please!
No, leave me out of your el pinko hippy liberal nonsense.
I'm seeing this journal by mistake. I only want to talk about rabbits


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 21st, 2007 04:11 pm (UTC)
Just because I'm a sceptic, it doesn't mean I'm not interested in what you've got to say about it!
Jun. 21st, 2007 04:11 pm (UTC)
I was very tempted by the third option!

hope all is good at the ultrasound :)
Jun. 21st, 2007 04:40 pm (UTC)
I voted yes. Even though I wanted to vote no, just because the idea of choosing an option with the phrase "el pinko hippy liberal nonsense" greatly appealed to me.
Jun. 21st, 2007 05:56 pm (UTC)
Put me down for profoundly skeptical but terribly interested. :)

They charged us 2 quid for some photos, good luck getting a video!
Jun. 21st, 2007 06:08 pm (UTC)
oh wow, so cool to hear this stuff about the sensations you are having with the baby! please more sharing!
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )


deep sky, firefly

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