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Everyone who lives and works with me rapidly learns that ingesting chocolate makes me feel a certain way. By which I mean loving and cuddly and full of compassion for the world and the desire to go around giving it compliments and hugs. They are also rapidly coming to learn that 10 days of poor sleep and no sex make me feel the exact opposite way.

Not just any ten days, mind you. Ten days during which we have had houseguests, of whom 50% were under 4 and the youngest one liked to break bowls when he felt he wasn’t paid enough attention to, and during which we misplaced crucial documents that we know we had but cannot for the life of us find now despite turning the house upside down. And as a cherry on top of all this happiness we have learned that Z’s mother has been diagnosed with lung cancer (frankly, considering how much the woman smoked the only surprise is that it took so long) which while not metastatising is nonetheless inoperable since she has about 30% of her lung function anyway. Z is understandably stressed about this since his passport is still not sorted out (since the documents we cannot find are necessary for his application) and that’s even before considering that he’s as likely to be arrested at the airport for desertion by the border police as he is of being waved through.

The most helpful thread in all this of course being that Z is physically incapable of talking about his feelings, although his capacity for sulking* and being grumpy is fully operational. And when my two primary coping mechanisms with stress (sleep, glorious sleep; sex glorious sex) are not getting a chance to express themselves then things begin unravelling quite rapidly.

And yesterday, as my partner snored away I lay tossing and turning and every time (EVERY FUCKING TIME) I was starting to drift off to sleep some noise (cats crying out with the heartbreak of wanting to be outside, a particularly energetic snore from Z) would propel me right back into wakefulness. Thankfully with the spirit of generosity that I have in these trying times I shared out my growing angst getting up to scream at the whiny cat (and when the little one escaped into the garden when I finally caved in and let the big cat out, I shouted her name with enough graphic intent to kill that she came back inside humbly and right quick). And so it went on, hour after fucking tormenting hour (because no sooner had I let the cat out than the bastard wanted to come back in again – and I swear if he wants to continue to be fed he will not repeat those shenanigans) during which Z’s snoring somehow magically managed to fill up my brain but not you know, drown out the sound of catly pleadings, I got progressively more likely to strangle them all with my own bare hands, which were already so conveniently clenched.

So this morning I rose from my bed incandescent with rage. The sort of towering radiating rage that curdles milk, and frightens puppies and blows up computers within a two-mile radius. A rage so intense it was practically capable of walking around the house slamming doors and throwing dishes and threatening cats all by itself.

All this seriously makes me think I should probably never have children, lest I throw them out of the window if they don’t sleep through the night and thereby interfere with my precious stress-reducing processes. So it's probably just as well that no sex is being had, considering.

And having stomped to work I’m now sat in the office fuming gently, and trying to make myself cry since in the absence of other things some vigorous sobbing is sweet, sweet release. (NB not an invitation for anyone else to make me cry, thanks; NNB on the other hand, cake is fully acceptable).

Z rang to apologise to me if he’d made me angry and I had to reassure him that I wasn’t angry at him, I was angry generically you know (although I did mention that if he knows what’s good for him and our marriage, tonight I will be greeted by cake, and some stiff drinks and a stack of cheap crockery that he doesn’t mind getting broken), at the Universe. At God. Particularly the God of Insomnia.

A punching bag, I say! A kingdom for a punching bag! If anyone has any people they would like kneecapped, now is probably an excellent time to ask.

* He is not as good at sulking as I am, but he is very very good indeed.



( 22 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 31st, 2006 10:50 am (UTC)
Mate, this is no help to you at all but I have had sex about three times in the last year.
Aug. 31st, 2006 10:57 am (UTC)
My admiration for your inner fortitude in the face of life's obstacles only grows.

What are your secret coping mechanisms?
Aug. 31st, 2006 01:33 pm (UTC)
This icon just about sums it up. Oh, and don't forget you get an awful lot of touching and hugging (and nipple-sucking) from a baby...
Aug. 31st, 2006 12:38 pm (UTC)
I've got an appropriate icon too...

I'd offer to help out, but you're both married, and I have some morals.
Aug. 31st, 2006 12:46 pm (UTC)
Simon, this is a terrible time to develop morals.

(Although you might be able to help out by signing the back of Z's photo again as the one you previously signed has gone on walkies*)

*or been stolen by aliens, possibly disguised as cats.
Aug. 31st, 2006 01:47 pm (UTC)
(rushes off to rid myself of pesky morals).

Not sure when photo can get signed - post might be best?
Aug. 31st, 2006 01:02 pm (UTC)
i am scared of you sweetie xx
Aug. 31st, 2006 04:55 pm (UTC)
don't worry, i would never be mean to you. x

(p.s. the sight of lego men doing the dirty cheered me up considerably in my time of need)
Aug. 31st, 2006 05:30 pm (UTC)
I am glad to provide a sordid lego service! I have just been photographing lego again but sadly only to sell on ebay this time xx
Aug. 31st, 2006 01:26 pm (UTC)
Bah humbug! Why is it that whenever a wonderful, psychotic instrument of maiming, torture and eternal pain waves her services in my general direction, there is no-one around who actually deserves the torment and destruction?

Although if you could gratuitously raze the buildings and offices of the Evening Standard to the ground then I'd be much obliged, and would quite happily buy you as much chocolate as I could afford.
Aug. 31st, 2006 04:54 pm (UTC)
Although if you could gratuitously raze the buildings and offices of the Evening Standard to the ground then I'd be much obliged, and would quite happily buy you as much chocolate as I could afford.

If my stores of sleep and sex continue to stay low, I'm sure I would be up for that. :)
Aug. 31st, 2006 03:16 pm (UTC)
(It's Susan)
If you're worried about the houseguests overhearing you, just make up an excuse to go somewhere in the car! It'll be all teenagery and fun. You know that even in combination, cake, crockery and alcohol are no substitute for sex when it comes to taking the edge off. Plus it'll help with the insomnia!

Aug. 31st, 2006 04:58 pm (UTC)
Re: (It's Susan)
You know that even in combination, cake, crockery and alcohol are no substitute for sex when it comes to taking the edge off. Plus it'll help with the insomnia!

God, do I ever know it! I suppose I could burn off all my excess emotional energy and make myself tired with running, but it just doesn't have the same appeal...

Aug. 31st, 2006 05:30 pm (UTC)
Re: (It's Susan)
Aug. 31st, 2006 06:49 pm (UTC)
Re: (It's Susan)
Romany!! Hi! I had to click on your name to figure out who 'tjej' was (as I'm not a regular livejournal user), but that meant I got to look at your lovely pictures of swimming, piano, etc. Hope you're well!
Aug. 31st, 2006 07:15 pm (UTC)
Re: (It's Susan)
Hello! Yep i am good thanks, back in germany, how about you?
Aug. 31st, 2006 08:54 pm (UTC)
Re: (It's Susan)
Pretty good! I'm leaving my job in two weeks to explore new opportunities in...not sure what yet. Homelessness, probably. But am still very happy to be leaving my job!
Aug. 31st, 2006 08:59 pm (UTC)
Re: (It's Susan)
oo! what are you going to do instead? good for you! i want to leave mine, but instead i'm going to take lots of holiday and consider my options..
Sep. 1st, 2006 02:10 pm (UTC)
Re: (It's Susan)
That's essentially what I'm going to be doing, too -- taking some time off, finding some temporary-type things (several people are pushing me to work as a substitute teacher), and basically trying to figure out what my options are. After my visit in May, I've been wishing that one of my options was moving to London for a while, but I don't think you can get a work permit without, like, even an idea for a job. Oh, well.
Sep. 4th, 2006 11:15 am (UTC)
Re: (It's Susan)
temporary is where all the cool kids are at. I don't know, i feel like at my age i should be developing my career and moving into management. Mostly I just want to hang out in the sunshine.
Europe is difficult for you foreigners. You could get an aupair visa quite easily though a year is not very temporary, and it' doesn't leave you very free to travel at weekends.
Ai, i want to come with you!
Aug. 31st, 2006 05:28 pm (UTC)
Susan again
Um, just to make sure I was 100% clear, when I said "go somewhere in the car," I didn't mean go off on a leisurely drive through the countryside. I meant go find somewhere quiet. With Z. Where you can park. Ahem. Not ideal conditions, but this is an emergency!
Sep. 2nd, 2006 06:50 am (UTC)
long term relationship secret revealed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And yesterday, as my partner snored away I lay tossing and turning

I can tell you the secret for a long marriage. Come closer....Are you ready for the mysteries of the universe to be unveiled?...okay

The secret to a long marriage is....

not smothering the other with your pillow while they sleep.
( 22 comments — Leave a comment )


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