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Just Say *No* to Knights on White Horses

There is a man who wishes to rescue me and I am avoiding him like the plague for this very reason.

I believe the man's chief attraction to me is because he believes that I am starving myself. The man has on several occasions offered to cook for me and bring me food, and his phonenumber in case I wanted to talk to someone at night.

I have resolved that I will never ring. And although I appreciate a free meal on many levels I am downright wary of the man's willingness to turn himself into a soup kitchen.

The man followed on his kind offers with: *And if you ever want to get away, you know, you can come and stay at mind anytime. I mean, this is not a chat up line and you don't even have to sleep with me or anything like that, it's not about that.*

I sat on the urge to smile ruefully. For one- now that my family has moved out I have no wish or need to get away from anyone beyond myself, sometimes, and I have the habit of following me around no matter the house I am in.

Also, because beyond the archness I feel at the concept of *having to* shag anyone, it makes sense, of course it does. I am not an object of lust so much as an object of rescue.

I was tired when we talked and I was not fully paying attention to my words and I laughed and said: *your timing is crap. kind of too late for all that* which the man interpreted as my indication of the intention to kill myself although this was not what I meant at all. I meant that three, four, five years ago the man's offer would have been my dream. Someone to watch over me, to show a tangible desire to care for me.

And now it is not. It is too tempting for one, so I refuse straightaway. I am well acquainted with the danger of the *saviour* relationships. Where the primary compatibility is in someone's willingness to care and their partner's ability to underfunction and be a wreck, to have sufficient drama to fill the carer's sorting out capacities and if they ever run out of natural drama then to be relied on to create some more.

There is danger in getting stuck, polarised, and not seeing each other as people so much as projected ideas. I would be Woman Who Cannot Look After Herself and he would be Man Caring for The Woman Who Cannot Look After Herself.

On the surface it may not seem sinister, this desire to look after, to nurture, to fix, but beneath the surface it frequently is.

I am also familiar with the concept of food as a means of nurture and control. I have a bone deep need for independence, for self-sufficiency. To stand on my own two feet and live on my own terms and I will not surrender that to my needy side or his knight in shining armour persona.

The man, I believe also, is a genuinely good man and if he backs off then we can be friends. The man too has wounds, raw and supressed but which I can sense in his energy like jagged broken mouths even before he tells me his life story.

This is what I wanted to say to him but didn't. *Thank you, but I am not your family who you couldn't protect from your violent dad. I am not your sister who killed herself. I am not even my own shadow self. I can be helped and supported but I cannot be rescued, except perhaps by myself.*

Instead I say, because I am tired and this is gentler and I feel a little sorry for him: *Thank you but I don't think either of us would learn anything from that arrangement except to resent each other.*

Because I am not a child, and I am not just my self-destructiveness or my wounds or my scars, and if I am going to have a relationship with anyone then it will be as a relationship of equals.

I would like a protective man, I would like my father but my father is dead. For better or worse I have learned to cope in his wake and I do not remotely want to shag father-figures. It's all too Freudian. ;)

Still, goddammit,it is almost irresistibel sometimes. To let another do all the work, to do little but wallow and supply material for someone's need to be needed. A twinge of half-regret though as the man was a good cook and fairly attractive. If I see my therapist again I will tell him off for spoiling my love life and he will probably tell me that he is proud of me. Heh.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 2nd, 2003 03:44 am (UTC)
at least you've had one
Dec. 2nd, 2003 08:38 pm (UTC)
Don't have a username, but this is Susan
Ugh, how creepy. Good for you for saying no to all that.
And jumping to the conclusion that you were going to kill yourself--what a tremendous effort to ramp up the drama!

You hit the nail on the head with this one--since he's so drawn to what he perceives as your need to be taken care of, what would happen if you ever showed signs of self-sufficiency? He'd have to put an end to that immediately, which I suppose would lead to the old familiar passive-aggressive putdowns. You have come so far in the last few years, but this isn't someone who can help you go farther. He wouldn't really want you to become a better person, because it's in his own self-interest to think of you as a fuck-up. Which you are NOT. Someone who wants to "fix" you is someone who wants to control you. (And someone who wants to fix your meals is someone who wants to control how you eat--and you get enough of that from your family!)

Well done, you, for clearing another of life's little hurdles!
Dec. 3rd, 2003 05:25 pm (UTC)
Re: Don't have a username, but this is Susan
Yay! Susan's here! :D

Thanks for the cool reply. :)
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )


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