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Sex Ejucashun Yugoslav style

Yesterday I was very ill and not allowed to work [although giving infectious diseases back to the little children who spread them is only rightful karma if you think about it] and my poor lover had to work a double shift at work [9-5 and then midnight until 6am], so we convened at my house in the afternoon to feel sorry for each other.

And there I bestowed tendernesses upon him and he wrapped himself around me and radiated extra warmth while I was shaking with illness chills and we both rested. And afterwards I rested some more and Z cooked us soup because he loves to cook and he’s nice like that. [I meanwhile hate cooking because I can’t be arsed with it on most days, but have recently discovered a taste for washing dishes].

Then we talked about our respective childhoods and learning of things sexual and because he said I could, here’s Z’s Condom Story:

Z: When I was a little boy I accidentally came across some condoms in my parents bedside drawer. I’d had no idea what these things were, and because they were wrapped in foil I thought at first they were chewing gum, so I opened it with glad anticipation and found instead what I concluded were some kind of oily Russian balloons.

So I ran back into the living room where my parents were watching Dynasty waving around my find, and sat on the couch and breathed into the condoms to inflate them and then I’d release them and watch them fly around the room, madly spinning and going Pfffffffffffffffttttttttt. [I like at this point in the story to imagine Z’s stonefaced parents stoically continuing to watch the soaps on telly]

And I thought it was all just wonderful and turned to my parents and asked why they had been hiding these balloons from me and hadn’t given them to me to play with and my Dad said: “It was a surprise!”

And the second is a story of Z’s first ever porn film

Z: “When I was around 8, a friend of mine from school got the first ever video recorder in the town from an uncle who brought it over from Germany along with two “tester” video cassettes. One of the tapes was a horrific horror film “The Evil Dead” which gave me nightmares for weeks because I was convinced it was real and the other was a porn film.

So I went over to my mate’s house to watch this wonder machine [and at the time it was nothing short of technological magic because no one had ever seen anything like it before] and first we watched the horror film which scared us silly, and then we thought we’d give the other tape a try and it made a great impression on us because we were used to seeing people walk on scene and then a few minutes later walk off while here people would walk on scene and spend the next ten minutes writhing or waving willies at ladies faces; And when I went home I saw my then 80 year old grandmother and proceeded to regale her with the details of everything that I had seen, telling her all about the writhing and the ladies with white stuff on their chins and the magic of this new technology and all the things you can watch on telly.”


( 17 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 25th, 2005 04:57 pm (UTC)
First time
Did bubba ask to see the tape I wonder?
My very first sexual memory was walking in on my parents. To which I shouted, "What? Are! You! DOING!? To. MY! MOTHER!!" I think that must have killed the mood for them.
Just recently was Mums day in America. I think I might have wrote about this but my mom recently found her frist love from 25 years ago. It was my job to get her for the morning celebrations. Me through a door, "Hey mom, we were going to do breakfast in bed but we thought it might be a little awkward as we weren't quite sure as tot he dresscode?"
He's actually a pretty cool dude.
May. 25th, 2005 08:18 pm (UTC)
Re: First time
I'm probably older than your mother but I'm still going to shamelessly point out that you are TERRIBLY good-looking.
May. 26th, 2005 05:06 pm (UTC)
You're pretty cute yourself.
I usually take the opportunity to read some posts of people I comment to on LJ. I sifted through your memories. While the examples I read are certainly not as honestly heart warming as rainsingers (so very few things that I've ever read or watched are) they make me lament missed opportunities to have shared torrid periods of my life with you.
Though you son (a year older than me) might have found such situations almost as socially faux pas as some of your entries, I (being american) am rather open minded.
Your are a blessed writer. And hilarious.
May. 26th, 2005 10:54 pm (UTC)
Re: You're pretty cute yourself.
Oh my, you're too charming, thanks. :)

My Memories are a rather naughty selection of my posts...I'm sure they make me seem much worse than I am normally. Probably.
May. 26th, 2005 02:16 pm (UTC)
Re: First time
hahahahahaha such a cute story :D

And I hope you are enjoying your position as *most coveted male on my flist* ;)
May. 26th, 2005 03:58 pm (UTC)
Re: First time
It makes me blush.
(Deleted comment)
May. 26th, 2005 02:17 pm (UTC)
Re: *supports square brackets*
it's so much quicker :)
(Deleted comment)
May. 27th, 2005 07:38 am (UTC)
Re: btw
Yes, of course I do. :)
I finish work at five but can get out slightly earlier and meet you for a couple of hours? I've got astrology at 8- how does that afternoon slot sound to you?

(Deleted comment)
May. 27th, 2005 12:06 pm (UTC)
Re: hm...dunno
i need to be in central london for astrology [piccadilly circus] so I can meet you somewhere around charing cross/strand/aldwych around 5:30?
May. 25th, 2005 06:49 pm (UTC)
We are following the advice of the baby books and take Item's nappy off every evening for a few minutes of 'getting air' to her privates.
The Boy made me laugh by imagining her coming across a porno mag and saying, "Look at all these nice ladies getting air to their fannies".
May. 26th, 2005 02:17 pm (UTC)
The Boy made me laugh by imagining her coming across a porno mag and saying, "Look at all these nice ladies getting air to their fannies".

ah the imagery, the imagery :D
May. 25th, 2005 07:00 pm (UTC)
*laughs out loud* brilliant :o)
May. 26th, 2005 02:18 pm (UTC)

May. 30th, 2005 12:12 pm (UTC)
Mew! I love you. And i would invite you for a night of debauchery poi (party in the park, woohoo), except that i keep seeing references to "Tori" on that night. So enjoy! :o)
May. 25th, 2005 08:12 pm (UTC)
HAHAHA! Poor Granny! :)
May. 26th, 2005 02:23 pm (UTC)
Indeed :D

I am sorry I can't go back in time to see her face.

And it reminds me of a Yugoslav joke.

One day a young man in his twenties comes back home from a nice night out with his girlfriend and walks into the house and discovers to his astonishment that his octagenerian grandmother is sitting watching a porn film.
"Grandmother, what are you doing?" he cries out, and she replies:
"Oh, I'm just watching to see if they get married"

May. 26th, 2005 03:41 pm (UTC)
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )


deep sky, firefly

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