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I was mucking about on my beloved http://www.astro.com and looking at the short, free version of the forecast .It all seemed accurate, but the last part especially really made me catch my breath.

Saturn Conjunct Sun: Concentrating Energies

6 July 2005 until 21 July 2005: This influence can bring both fulfillment and difficulty. Roughly fourteen years ago you went through a period of adversity and low vitality. But at the same time you made new beginnings, which are having results now. These efforts will either reach a climax and be successful, or you will realize that they have failed. In any case this is a time of tremendous responsibility and hard work, either to guarantee the successful conclusion of your old projects and endeavors or to salvage the best from the failures.

In those areas of your life that you have handled successfully - in your job, your domestic life, or whatever - the responsibility of bringing your activities to a successful climax will limit your freedom of movement. Even if you know that events are turning out as you want, you may feel restless under the burdens. Try to be patient and concentrate wholly upon the tasks at hand.

Do not take on any new projects at this time that are not directly connected to what you are already doing. The additional responsibility could be too much for you and could cause health problems, especially with your heart and circulatory system. When you have successfully completed all your current projects, you may start new ones. This is a time of perseverance, hard work and heavy responsibility.

Those areas of your life that have not worked out as expected should not be regarded as complete failures. Several years ago when you embarked on these projects, you may not have understood as much as you understand now. This influence will make you aware of this fact. Don't start out on a new course until you have cleared up whatever has not worked out.

During this time you may feel cut off from others and lonely, but do not be too concerned about this. Even if this influence coincides with the breaking up of a relationship, which it may, it means that the relationship itself is distracting you from matters that you must attend to now. This is a time for concentrating energy, not scattering it.

It made me of course think back to what was happening fourteen years back. At that time I was eleven, about-to-be living in Holland, and grasping the rudimentaries of speaking English. It took roughly six months for me to go from not understanding any English at all to knowing the basics, and language was a Big Deal. I might have been lonely and friendless and ostrasized and bullied, but hey at least now I understood when people insulted me!

The year I spent in Holland was truly a time of great adversity but also the Beginnings Of Everything Else. It was probably the greatest of my life's challenges, but at the end of it I got an idea about strength and steel I was made from and carried my wounding and my survival hand in hand.

My father had died two years previously, but I was in such an intense repression and denial that those two years are an almost complete blank. I remember bits of events that happened, but my emotional recollection of that period is one of shock and being frozen and concentrating very very hard on not breaking down in public. Of walling myself in myself as my mind grappled with the enormity of what had happened, and my dreadful longing and the not knowing how you survive something like that or piece your family back together.

But getting sent away at age eleven to a foreign country where I didn't speak the language, didn't know anybody [except the family of my childhood friend that I would be living with], was loved by a few people but hated by most, didn't exactly solve my emotional problems but did give me new ones to think about. And it DID awaken my instinct for survival which in the previous two years had been obliterated by my wish to be dead and join my father. And it also gave me the beginnings of knowledge and skills I'd be honing and using for the rest of my life. It is terryfing to feel that you have to learn to live on your own but it is a very good exercise in resourcefulness and strength.

I re-hash the past because I wanted to give the emotional/mental background of the events and that time in my life before I went on to look at the astrology of it.

On http://www.astro.com I brought up my natal chart and looked at transits and progressions for October 1991 [by the time I'd started going to school in Holland that first year]. Transits are in red, progressions are in green.

The first thing I'd looked up was Saturn. [If the transiting Saturn is conjuncting my Sun now, it means that fourteen years ago it was forming an opposition which is what the forecast was referring to. That now the circle is shutting and I'm seeing the fruition of the things that the Sun-Saturn opposition began]. Transiting Saturn was in the fifth house at 0 Aquarius, forming an exact opposition to my Sun in the 11th. This seems pertinent on many levels, as during that time I'd say the things the fifth house represents [play, creativity, love affairs, our ability to play and be social] were undergoing severe restriction and a test-of-endurance. You don't really feel playful if you've lost your parent and you're far from everyone and everything you've known, and the social environment I was in was not warm and welcoming but judgemental and hostile.

The transits of Saturn through my fifth house coincided with the toughtest of my growing up years, with the times that I didn't ahve a childhood and was myself very withdrawn from people. Mistrustful and burdened -which is how most of us tend to be at some point, when confronted with Saturn's teachings and lessons. Saturn and Saturn transits after all, are characterised by their heaviness. [Of course I didn't know astrology at the time, I'm just comparing the actual chronology of events with their astrology; I didn't think age 15 - well Saturn has gone into the 6th, phew! but that astrological time coincided with the change in my social circumstances on the mortal coil].

But when I looked at the chart more closely, I was struck by the doings of Chiron.
In October 1991 Chiron was transiting my 11th house and still within orb of conjunction with my Natal Sun [although it had crossed over it some time before], and conjunct my progressed Sun. Furthermore, transiting Pluto in Scorpio was conjuncting my natal Moon-Uranus and opposing my Natal Chiron in Taurus [the opposition is not exact, but still well within orb]. Translated Moon-Pluto transits, particularly hard aspects, foretell a period of emotional change and turmoil, and often very intense emotion as our inner world and emotional life [the Moon] comes face to face with archetypal transformative forces of death, destruction, regeneration. Whenever Pluto transits the Underworld comes calling.

Obviously all this is pertinent - my father was dead, I was grieving and struggling to survive emotionally and mentally, and I was experiencing a lot of intense - even overwhelming- emotions at the time which I didn't feel I was fully able to process until many years later because when they were happening, they were simply too scary. It was also the time when appropriately enough I was experiencing a change in my relationship with my Mother [whom the moon is an archetypal significator for] and my feelings of having been abandoned by her to fend for myself [although I wouldn't consciously own those feelings until many years later.

But truly, the most pertinent in all this seems Chiron. In myth and in astrology Chiron represents the Wounded One, and indicates an area of life where we have been unfairly and irreversibly damaged. Like Chiron we have all sustained a wound which cannot heal and that touches a deep, and painful core in us because there is nothing we can do to make it better. Ultimately if we accept that in us which was scapegoated, ostracised, exiled and broken, unfairly hurt or judged by circumstances which were not our fault or our doing then we can get a deeper self-acceptance as well as deeper understanding and compassion for our fellow humans [who likewise are in some way irreparably wounded, for there is a Chiron in us all].

In our natal chart the sun represents our sense of Who We Are individually, as well as in terms of individual desitny, consciousness, confidence, meaning, hope, power, playfulness and creativity and symbolically our Father [the original creative source that made us]. Meanwhile Chiron stands for disillusionment, failed ideals, bitterness, cynicism, damage, unfair and irreparable woundin as well as understanding, compassion and acceptance of our limits. When Sun touches Chiron, it hurts. Often, it hurts a lot and depression and loss of self-confidence follows. Sometimes it hurts so much that people get a desire to victimise, wound and damage others who they perceive as warped or inferior. On the other hand used positively Sun-Chiron is of course very transformative - an understanding of our own pain deepens our understanding of the pain of others, as well as our sense of wisdom and compassion. Furthermore we may emerge from the experience of our own pain, our wounded core with tough grit and bones which are stronger for having been broken. We may emerge with acceptance that sometimes - life is horribly unfair and that's just how it is- and have patience when encountering that which cannot be changed. Or a new set of ideals based on how to live perfectly in an imperfect world.

But ultimately all this positive change does not negate the fact that Chiron hurts in a deep and inescapable way.

During the astrological events for 1991 [and some years thereafter] Chiron was seeing a lot of action in my chart - highlighted three times by both progression and transit and for me it seems the most accurate summary of How Things Were.

Chiron was conjuncting my progressed and natal Sun and it was a time of course, of my changing relationship with my father.

My father had died in October 1989 at the beginning of transiting Chiron coming in to conjunct my Sun. [Interestingly, it was also a time when his own chart was having significant Chiron transits; this is of course not to say that Chiron is a significator of death, simply that it was a significator of how my father dealt with his own source of pain, family wounding and feelings of failure and disillusionment]. Sun-Chiron in many ways seems the aptest metaphor for my father and my own relationship with him.

My dad was himself unfairly wounded [by the fact that he was born to replace an idealised dead son, and deemed Never Good Enough] and that he did carry a deep sense of pain he didn't know how to heal, accept and resolve with him throughout his life. And his death, the single greatest formative event of my life so far, became my own source of damage, of unhealable wounding.

It was very difficult for me to accept on so many levels, because it was so unfair. I had after all done nothing to deserve his dying and it was difficult to come to terms with the fact that sometimes life was very unjust and there was nothing you could do about it.

The Loss of my father shaped me profoundly, for most of my life his absence and its hollowness followed and haunted me like an extra limb. At the same time I was of course suffering a deep depression, and grief and a wound to my sense of self. I was a scapegoat, and I was wounded by my inability to speak the tongue of the people around me [even now, some of the darkest nightmares I have are about not being able to speak the required language].

Nonetheless, without discounting any of the pain meeting Chiron did shape my sense of individual destiny [the Sun], because it allowed me to understand the pain and damage of others because I had encountered The Pain In Me. It shaped my self-acceptance, and compassion and my desire to contribute to the healing and welfare of others. It put me in touch with the raw, jagged source of my own creativity [it was when I began to write] and it brought out my calling, my sense of vocation, my decision to study psychology.

Because I struggled so much, I have patience for the struggles of others; because along with english i learned the Languages of Grief I don't feel the need to run from the broken places in me or other people. The woundedness does not scare me. I accept it in myself and in others. I do not mindlessly seek perfection, but accept limitations and seek not to deny them or wipe them out, but embrace them, live with them - perfectly.

Nowadays when I meet people who say they aren't as wise as me, I reply that it's only because they haven't had the advantages of childhood tragedy but I'm only half joking. The things I learned were hard, and they are sometimes still hard to live with but I don't regret the understandings.


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
Apr. 12th, 2005 10:12 am (UTC)
oh goodie :)
it is all most fortunate, because I like you too ;) [but i base mine on more shallow things such as I think you're cute]
(Deleted comment)
Apr. 13th, 2005 02:59 pm (UTC)
*applauds your cuteness and blows you kisses*
Apr. 12th, 2005 11:49 am (UTC)
Thanks for this post, seriously.

I have to think over again so many things.

I just realized that when my father died, transiting Saturn was forming opposition (0,24) to my natal Saturn. Hm, I've never tried to interpret transits for that day before.
For many reasons.

Thanks again :)
Apr. 12th, 2005 02:02 pm (UTC)
thank you for reading and I'm glad it made sense :)

I like looking at transits with some hindsight because I think it can reveal important things about symbolically some of the things that the experience represented for you. And with a Saturn-Saturn opposition I'm guessing that some of the things you learned at that time were about hardship and self-reliance.

and on a cancerian note... I am sorry for your loss.
Apr. 12th, 2005 05:42 pm (UTC)
You're right.
It was also opposition between 5th and 11th house with Chiron in the 5th house. But for few years I was in some kind of nasty dream (Neptune in 8th house). Until transiting Pluto squared my natal Sun. Heh, just like in a textbook ;)

Well, I'm not delusional. I know it will never heal, but in fact it really gives me a lot of inner strength. Somehow this one wound prevents from being wounded again.

I have trouble finding words to say how I sympathize with your experiences. It's enough to say that I'm often sitting in front of computer and reading well.. "older sister" and it's good (because I can relate) but sad (generally painful experiences give the strongest connection).
Do I need to write more?;)
Apr. 12th, 2005 04:02 pm (UTC)
Because I struggled so much, I have patience for the struggles of others; because along with english i learned the Languages of Grief I don't feel the need to run from the broken places in me or other people. The woundedness does not scare me. I accept it in myself and in others. I do not mindlessly seek perfection, but accept limitations and seek not to deny them or wipe them out, but embrace them, live with them - perfectly.

Nowadays when I meet people who say they aren't as wise as me, I reply that it's only because they haven't had the advantages of childhood tragedy but I'm only half joking. The things I learned were hard, and they are sometimes still hard to live with but I don't regret the understandings.
These are such beautiful thoughts! I like to feel I live up to their ideals, but I often do not. Woundedness does scare me at times when I'm wounded in front of someone else. Their wounds don't often scare me... unless they are directed at me in the form of various dark behaviors.

If they take those wounds and start flogging me, I often take it personal.

So yes, your words are quite inspiring to me. Thank you!

Apr. 13th, 2005 03:05 pm (UTC)
awww, thank you for the comment! That made me feel all warm and glittery.

If they take those wounds and start flogging me, I often take it personal.

Yeah, i think it's hard not to.
I think a good aspect of career with people is getting taught not to take abuse from anybody, but in a loving way. I.e. if somebody is yelling at me I won't yell back I'll just try and say *I'm not going to talk to you while you yell at me or call me names, but this conversation can resume when you talk to me in a calm tone and refrain from insults* if that makes sense.

I do find it hard to be attacked in any sense, because even emotionally I can feel this angry energy coming at me like a swarm of bees and sometimes its still really hard to block out, but nowadays I'm okay about putting up my boundaries and saying *I'm here, but the way you're interacting with me right now is inappropriate and our communication can resume when you change the behaviour*

On the other hand if someone is just projecting something onto me without accompanying verbal or physical violence, I'm just amused.

*hugs back*
(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
Apr. 13th, 2005 03:07 pm (UTC)
thank you :)
what does death sensitive mean?

wonder about my father though, he has Chiron wedged in between his Sun & Moon nataly... He's got issues.

ouch, not an easy thing to carry and it suggests deep woundeness in his own parents - do you think that's true?
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )


deep sky, firefly

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