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There was something deeply soothing about being in therapy. Therapy was cool. Hard work and a headache to be sure but cool.

I liked the work. I liked the promise that after the work was done things would be a lot better. I liked digging around and seeing the past in a new and enlightenening way and breaking free of that which no longer served.

Epiphanies are wonderful, they are the honeymoon period of self-awareness and the realisation of one's potential. However, every honeymoon period passes and comes a time like this when you've learned it and now you just have to live it, day by day, and that is a lot harder.

Neil thinks that alhough I may not feel it right now I am doing well. And that right now I am not processing as much as integrating (this rings very true) which hurray for me, is an easier type of inner work.

He reckons that the best way to get around my nascent depression is to start psych work which he also reckons I will be doing very soon. Although I have become intensely wary of anything Neil terms *a very interesting upcoming period* I am at the same time cautiously optimistic. I am having a mild panic about lack of work and trying to soothe myself, to let go and not fret about that which I cannot change.

I've seen a job but it is a volunteer placement, therefore at least for a few months I shall not be getting much income. The job is cool, working with sexual abuse survivors and you get training and supervision and expenses paid for (lovely) BUT I don't think they are hiring anyone yet.

THis one did jump off the page at me, and I've got Suriel like a glowing light of encouragement at the back of my head going *take it take it take it*. Of course, this still leaves the money situation unsolved. Sure, I get enough from Mysteries to cover my basic food and travel costs but it is not enough money to live on and it is not a sure income. Therefore, I need a paying job.

THe answer to that is temp work. Hopefully if I can find a job in a social care field and get shift work in secure units that would provide me with a flexible schedule and some quite nice income :D Again, I'd need to be careful with it, the need for agency staff rises and wanes and you never know how big or small a paycheck there will be. Besides which November is a fucking dead month work wise.

But today I am going to be organised and register with agencies and see where I get.

And it feels good to be done with therapy in a way, to have graduated on these different levels... but... at the same time it is somehow harder and I can feel something nameless, faceless, that stirrs below in my mind and says *i am still here*, a flicker of something of unknown size or origin that makes its presence felt like a fish brushing aginst you in a night time sea.

There are still things within my mind which are better left untouched. Sleeping beasts and locked doors and boxes within boxes. I think of my unconscious as a powerful underground lake or a river, like the Styx into whose water I have chucked all sorts of fragments of my past, locked up tight, weighed down with silt. that they lurk on the river or lakebed and from time to time, break free and swim up, but for now they are still, no more than an occasional flash in the deep.


deep sky, firefly

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