Flashback-central.
Can't breathe.
Just like a fist that comes in and shuts around my throat and there's a wall that slams in my mind, a wall my mind slams into. Bang.

A darkness that stuffs itself into my throat and mouth and I can't breathe.

I need to distract myself with something before I go mad.

I am having a hard time speaking because all i can think of to say is

*i want to die; i want to not be*

and all my words, normally i am good with them, have turned into poisonous arrows in my throat,
and i am so full of my bright burning rage
i am afraid i will blast anyone who touches me, even with kindness, anyone who crosses my path.

because i hurt.
and it's nobody's fault.
it just happens, because shit does.

and it is no one's fault, no one to shout at no one to blame.

i want to cease. to be undone.
i really really do.
i want to be unexisted.


because i am tired. because i am hurt. and i am raging.

leave me be suriel. i've had enough. i resign.
i want to be released from this contract of having to wake and think and breathe again.