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Nina vs. the Demons

Demons: You are unloveable. You know you are unloveable.

Nina: I'd like to think that's debatable.

Demons: Come off it. You know whether you are here or not will never make a difference in the big scheme.

Nina: Well, perhaps not in the big scheme. But I think definately in the little shceme. The guy at the corner-shop appreciates all the yoghurts I buy for a start.

Demons: You know at the end of the day, no matter how hard you try, it won't matter. Haven't you learned by now? How much more proof do you need? You will always get abandoned, left behind.

Nina: I object to the use of the word always.

Demons: You have to face it. Don't delude yourself. You will never be truly important to someone else. Not important enough not to abandon, not as important as whatever else is going on in their lives. Not more important than the other people in it.

You weren't as important to your father as his drinking. You were never going to be as important as your grandmother. You weren't important enough not to abuse.

Nina: Shut up, shut up, shut up. Dad didn't have to give up drinking, or stay alive because of me. His drinking wasn't about me.

Demons: You weren't important enough for your parents to protect from your grandmother.

Nina: They didn't know how to protect me. They couldn't protect themselves.

Demons: X left you, didn't he? You were not very important there. You just thought you were. You're stupid, stupid, stupid.

Nina: X was a very confused man. I don't always have to be the most important person to someone. I am not stupid. I was brave, and I was true to myself.

Demons: You're not important. No one has ever chosen you over something, or someone else.

Nina: X2 did.

Demons: Ah, but only for a little while, no?

Nina: A little while is all anyone gets.

Demons: Perhpas, but most people's whiles are a lot longer than yours aren't they? And you know why, don't you? It's as we said, because you are not particularly important, not at the end of the day. Not as much as someone else.

And while we're on the subject:

You know you don't truly matter to X3 anymore, don't you? Well, not anymore. Not now it's over. Not now they've gone away. People will love you less than you love them.

Nina: It's not a competition. I love as deeply as I do because it's what makes my heart happy.

Demons: You're dodging the question.

Nina: Because reading X3's mind is not one of my talents. X3's life is not about me, and neither are the priorities.

Demons: But, just the once, wouldn't it be nice if someone's were? Somebody's that you wanted that is.

You 're the exiled woman. The homeless one. The one without family. And all the great things you've done are great only in your head. You're not a priority - you yourself wanted this. If you killed yourself, how much do you think it would matter, in other people's lives?

Nina: Other people's lives are not the reason to either live or die. And I definately can't kill myself now. At the very least not for another four weeks.

Demons: This is not over yet you know - you haven't heard the last of us!

<Demons exeunt left. Curtain. End of Act 1>

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
meepettemu
Aug. 27th, 2004 01:40 pm (UTC)
The music is somewhat ironic, i think.

Ally's right. you make lots more sense than they do. They're wrong about not being important enough. (as well as other things)....

You may not be the centre of my universe (because it really IS all about me), but you *are* truly important to me. I don't know if you would believe how much your death would hurt those who love you, so I'm not going to try. But it goes way beyond "one, two, many, lots".

Love always.

Me

mzwyndi
Aug. 27th, 2004 07:37 pm (UTC)
In the midst of an emotional falling-out, my consort referred to "She Who Does Not Love You". He meant the person I was having issues with... but, in the moment, it became clear he meant that awful Self-Talk.

For some reason, naming it that way has helped me win every time. Usually before the dialogue gets more than two or three exchanges. Like a phone call when you just figured out who you're talking to... I go, "Oh! This is She Who Does Not Love Me! I'm sorry, we're not interested." and I disconnect.

With practice, it gets easier and easier.
rainsinger
Aug. 27th, 2004 09:03 pm (UTC)
:)
It sounds like a good way forward.

The problem, right now, for me, is that there is none of me pretty much which loves me. I've moved from self-hatred to liking myself - which is quite a shift, but still not at the point where I love me.

At one point the demons were the dominating voice but now they're steadily getting voted out of my head by the efforts of the resistance. :)
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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