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Bleh

The colour of Tuesday mornings is cornflower blue, shot through in places by threads of silver and ultramarine.

I'm back in that particular place of not liking my body and not wanting to eat.

On good days I can see my body as a whole. I can see that yes, I am curvy but I am well proportioned- my body is not deformed, it flows nicely and while it may not be put together according to the beauty ideal I like it. Which doesn't mean there are things I wouldn't change but on the whole I feel at peace.

On bad days I see body in terms of its parts and I look grotesque, I feel fat and huge.

And I've realised I'm starting to go back to the place of not wanting to eat. Of not being able to face the thought of cooking food, of having to chew on things.

It's been happening a while where the things I normally really like eating such as cheese feel too heavy and I have an urge to consume only fruit and water.

Soups are okay. Because soups don't feel like eating.

Eating for me is complex and multi-layered. I was a huge binge eater in my late teens but I let go of that when I went to University and there was no longer anyone who wanted to ban me from eating or monitor my food intake. To comment on the calorific value of the things in my plate and lecture on cholesterol and unattractiveness.

My diet is pretty good on the whole. Because of the PCOS and the insulin intolerance and raised blood glucose I watch what I eat because I do not want to get diabetes. That's a very strong motivating factor for me, something that I don't want to manifest so much that it's made me turn in the other direction- of not eating (because I'd sooner have my blood sugar be too low than too high).

There is a strong correlation between my moods and my desire (or lack thereof) to eat. When I'm happy then I'm hungry and I love food. But when I feel more down, more subdued then I don't want to eat. As though not eating would make my body feel gentler, purer - fill it with light and air.

Food tastes grey or muddy dark red. It tastes like mist and sadness and wrath.

Comments

( 19 comments — Leave a comment )
dubaiyan
Jun. 1st, 2004 03:03 am (UTC)
yeah soups are ok
I binged all yday to 'celebrate' parents leaving so today 'has to be' a day without food. *sigh* I relate to feeling purer without food. So fruit and camomile tea only today. Out of soup and too tired to go to shops to buy more :D
rainsinger
Jun. 2nd, 2004 07:37 am (UTC)
call me mother hen
but I'm feeling protective and concerned twinges- try and take care of and be gentle with you, k?

*hugs*
(Anonymous)
Jun. 1st, 2004 09:45 am (UTC)
Aw.....

(((((((((((Nina))))))))

Notice how in your entry that when you feel good about yourself you speak in wholeness, and when you feel bad you speak in parts?Uhh... on re-reading it, you have already come to this revelation. My point is that you have went thru a hell of alot of hell. But you are dealing with it. I know it sucks, but you are not in denial as far as I can tell. I find that my body and mind heal themselves with a wee bit of supervision. But they have a shitload of things to deal with, and take it in in small chunks (even tho the small chunks seem to be bigger than my own head sometimes.


After thought : The best captors know that the nastiest way to keep someone imprisoned is to have them appoint themselves as their own jailor.

(puttin' yerself on bread n water, eh?)

Rousing rallying cries and such,

Elf
rainsinger
Jun. 2nd, 2004 07:37 am (UTC)
Rousing rallying cries and such,

Cheers :D
nanji
Jun. 1st, 2004 01:40 pm (UTC)
touching the Divine

Maybe it's not so much that you're not wanting to eat is a result of feeling down - perhaps it's more that you want to connect with a different way of being, that a different level of you requires nourishing and that you want to express that part of you somehow. Perhaps if you can identify a way to allow that part of you to express itself then you will be able to do what your self is asking you to do. A desire to eat is a desire to experience your self physically. Perhaps you want to experience a different side of yourself and you recognise that eating will restict that expression. You could do what I do which is don't eat if you don't want to and go somewhere non-particular, an "in-between worlds" place and think and write. You may feel very inspired and come up with some very interesting ideas.

But there is absolutely nothing unhealthy about what you're feeling.

love

N*
rainsinger
Jun. 2nd, 2004 07:47 am (UTC)
Re: touching the Divine
You could do what I do which is don't eat if you don't want to and go somewhere non-particular, an "in-between worlds" place and think and write. You may feel very inspired and come up with some very interesting ideas.

Ideally I'd love to do that- which is fast and think and take time out but the problem is I'm living a fairly fast paced life and 8-9 hour working days on insufficient fuel.

I don't think not eating is inherrently negative, and I think it can lead to a greater sense of spiritual connection (fasting certainly seems to play a prominent role in worlds religions)but for me right now, it's more about a sense of disconnection (because on good days food to me is not just a physical but also a Divine and spiritual act- food is love and nourishing- leftover teachings from the baby stage?)

I am finding healthy ways (as much as possible) of dealing with stuff and I'll be all right I think, just struggling a bit right now.

Love you too

N)
nanji
Jun. 2nd, 2004 10:12 am (UTC)
la vita e bella
I apologise in advance for my flippancy but what you said :

"because on good days food to me is not just a physical but also a Divine and spiritual act- food is love and nourishing- leftover teachings from the baby stage?"

reminds me of one of my favourite quotes from "FRIENDS", when some selp-help guru guy turns to Monica and says :

"and remember Monica, it's just food, it's not love.."


You seem to be experiencing this disconnection as a negative thing. Does disconnection to one thing mean disconnection from all ? Is it possible to disconnect from everything ? I can't see how that would happen. This conversation is turning into a meditation on "Conversations with God"... Of course I sympathise hugely with your struggle and it upsets me that you might feel scattered or anxious. But what is really interesting about what you are going through is the meaning behind it and identifying WHAT opportunity is being offered to you. Because there is one.

love

N*
rainsinger
Jun. 3rd, 2004 01:38 pm (UTC)
Re: la vita e bella
I think the opportunity is in the process- sometimes to make new patterns you have to go over the old ones and I do see how I'm reacting differently, thinking differently, coping differently.

There is an opportunity to heal, to learn how to do something differently, like going back to re-play the FreeCell game you previously lost or something and try to use different moves.

Disconnection is not always negative, sometimes it's necessary and a functional response-but for me it's often negative because it tends to go hand in hand with a great unhappiness;

I'm not sure whether it is possible to disconnect from everything because what is everything? It's probably impossible to stay completely disconnected forever, but I think we can do it for periods of time- certainly in the past I've managed to disconnect from the world and the body to be totally indifferent to everything and for me that's akin to dying. It's not a blissful detachemnt but a state of terrible separation and loneliness.

Thinking gives me great joy but I am most alive when I feel. The pull of the water element probably- the longing for fusion, for the connectedness with the all.

I am moody and my moods are prone to fluctuation and change- and the most healthy thing I can do is voice them and play them by the ear, in my happy phases it's wonderful to have people to bounce around with and in my bad days it helps to hear *I hear you and I care*;

love you too

N
nanji
Jun. 1st, 2004 01:43 pm (UTC)

Apologies for the spelling mistake - my brain's still partially shut down.


N*
coalproximity
Jun. 1st, 2004 06:54 pm (UTC)
In case you've forgotten, recently, you're beautiful.
rainsinger
Jun. 2nd, 2004 07:36 am (UTC)
Thank you for the reminder. :)
sparktastic
Jun. 2nd, 2004 05:12 am (UTC)
For some reason, or other, I haven't been seeing your posts on my lj!

*kicks lj*

And, that done, *hugs*.
sparktastic
Jun. 2nd, 2004 05:15 am (UTC)
I've figured it out!

For some reason, we've become unfriended!

*has rectified situation on this end*

Wonder what the hell that's about!
rainsinger
Jun. 2nd, 2004 05:52 am (UTC)
*has rectified situation on this end*


me too :)

I think it was probably my fault, LJ was giving me grief when I was trying to friend folk at one stage (kept crashing) so I think I just forgot to go back and double-check.

This process was brought to you courtesy of scatterbrain.

*snuggle*
Thanks for the hugs
sparktastic
Jun. 2nd, 2004 06:40 am (UTC)
*snuggles*
*smooches*

Wish I could come out tonight, but have that regular appointment this evening...

*hugs*

Shall see you next week?
rainsinger
Jun. 2nd, 2004 07:35 am (UTC)
*smooches back*
Yep. :)
Next week it is. :)

mzwyndi
Jun. 2nd, 2004 07:26 am (UTC)
There is a strong correlation between my moods and my desire (or lack thereof) to eat. When I'm happy then I'm hungry and I love food. But when I feel more down, more subdued then I don't want to eat. As though not eating would make my body feel gentler, purer - fill it with light and air.

You've allowed a symbolic attachment to form between food and unhappiness. This is ironic, because food is magic itself, it is the underpinning of many of the Mysteries of life and death.

It speaks to my soul, to read this entry, which must be why I felt called to find it today. I remember days like that. Where fasting might make me clean, somehow, and I might embrace the jangled collection of parts I call 'body' and somehow, magically, get past the sense of grotesque horror.

It didn't work for me.

Now, looking back, I can see objectively how disordered my eating was. How this fundamental human need became subverted to my will, which was to punish myself and create distance from anything like nurturing or love. As if I was only "okay" if I were utterly disconnected and alone, no matter how my heart cried out for companionship.
rainsinger
Jun. 3rd, 2004 01:28 pm (UTC)

Apologies for belated response I wanted to think about it.

A lot of what you said resonates with me, especially - As if I was only "okay" if I were utterly disconnected and alone, no matter how my heart cried out for companionship.

which I still engage in with alarming alacrity although not nearly as much as I used to.

Food and I have a tangled relationship- has been tangled for a while. A lot of mixed messages invovled in food- in food used as love, and as control, and as punishment, and often unhappiness too- on my bad days I remember some of the dysfunctions of my kin and the food games we played in the home, all the manipulations and subtle cruelties and food liteally seems like poison, it's tainted nurture and my body recoils from it.

But I'm better now, feeling much easier in my skin.

Thank you for your thoughts and the reply.
mzwyndi
Jun. 3rd, 2004 01:32 pm (UTC)
tainted nurture

*stunned to silence*

Yeah. Just like that. You hit several of my nerves, all at once. Thank you for your brutal honesty, 'tis a rare thing to find and a precious one.
( 19 comments — Leave a comment )

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