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My aunt is away until next week. So that's 6 days of no phonecalls. I can't express how pathetically grateful I feel. It's like God has parted the stormclouds a few inches and sent down a little pool of sunshine for me.

Hark and hear the angels sing Glory Halleluiah

So things are easier. And next week I have interviews and open days etc. which should hopefully keep kinfolk appeased so all in all I'm not allowed to kill myself until at least May the 4th. Not that I'm planning to off myself but the tiredness, the despair it is all there and instances like these I can't think of the future except in bitesize chunks of time. Like an expanse of water that you cross by leaping from one stone to the next.

I can manage two weeks, that's fine. And after those two weeks I can probably find something to help me manage two more. And on stone by stone, until I run out of stones or things get better on thier own.

And two weeks is pretty good. I can vividly remember instances when I couldn't think in terms of 24 hours, when I literally had to conquer time in groupings of minutes, when the only things that kept me from offing myself right there is that I wanted to clean the house and destroy my letters and diaries first.

And in the meantime I am making the best I can of my time on earth.
After my 30 hour stunt of avoiding-nightmares-by-staying-awake I fell into deep deep deep sleep, and dreamt of nothing distressing. It was a surreal dream in which I was on the ship with a few other people I recognised, auzerais among them and there was some sort of complicated plot going on, a murder mystery of akind as someone was going around and killing people and everyone was really terrified of what would happen next except for me who felt very peaceful and relaxed about it and spent most of the dream being amused by many ironies.

And now I'm awake and ready to weep with relief that no one will hassle me today, and I have a book and a pizza and a sheep and I'm curled up on the sofa listening to Dar Williams cherishing every single second of my peace.

I can drift in my little chunks of time. And sadness and tiredness can be the wave my body sinks against and rides.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
rainsinger
Apr. 15th, 2004 04:45 pm (UTC)
Good point, the turning up of your birth certificate has infused me with new hope. ;)

You did indeed make it into my dream and you were a most pleasant addition. :)
guihong
Apr. 15th, 2004 09:56 am (UTC)
Thank you, rainsinger :). Know that your staying up the other night helped me immensely. May peace be always with you.
I love to read your writing..if you ever write a book, I'll buy it, autographed, of course ;).

me
rainsinger
Apr. 15th, 2004 04:46 pm (UTC)
Talking was cool. :)
If I ever write a book I'm probably enough of an egotist to send it to everyone I've ever met. ;)
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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rainsinger
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