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Grargh

Last night I had a very intense, very vivid dream that the reason why I had these blank spaces in my mind and missing memories came from the fact that between the ages of 9 and 12 I was adopted. This dream was so realistic, it made so much sense somehow that I could for a second have sworn it was a real memory and when my mother rang me at some ridiculously early hour and woke me I (apparently) gave her an earful about giving me up and abandoning me.

Heh. At least it is better than mutilated animals.

For the past week I've had an internal dialogue going along the lines of *Hmmmm. I am depressed as hell and I can't seem to do anything and I think about death all the time. Perhaps I should ring my therapist* and then I'd decide: *No. I'm far too depressed. It's all useless anyway.*

You might think that logic would worm its way into my head, but I am made of sterner stuff and aren't suspectible to these cheap tricks.

I am crumbling quite intesely. Literally. I can feel myself going to pieces in that slow and interesting way of cracking ice and I think any moment now I'm going to fall down into the dark water beneath and I'm almost too detached/depressed to avert it.

Enter Accidents Stage Left

I had a bad bus day.
Bus braked very suddenly and I did my amusing headlong sprawling down the aisle thing, and if that by itself wasn't enough on the way out I got slammed by the doors. Nice line of bruises across the arm and ribs.

Sigh. And the worst part of it is? It doesn't feel like it matters. Because I am absent. I am elsewhere.
I inhabit the sadness and stillness, the sky and air and rain.

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
dubaiyan
Apr. 7th, 2004 02:19 pm (UTC)
awww


Ring (Neil?)!!
rainsinger
Apr. 8th, 2004 06:25 am (UTC)
Re: awww
eventually did do :)
(Deleted comment)
rainsinger
Apr. 8th, 2004 06:26 am (UTC)
*also radiates sensible advice like 'golly, you should call Neil'*

lol.
i'll be bitching to him on tuesday

*radiates affection back*
coalproximity
Apr. 7th, 2004 09:25 pm (UTC)
sorry you're feeling this rotten, but remember that these things do pass, and you will get to feeling better, nothing lasts forever.
and sorry, I'm a bit bereft in the *meaningful things to say* department today.
rainsinger
Apr. 8th, 2004 06:26 am (UTC)
cheers for the optimistic thoughts prox :)
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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rainsinger
deep sky, firefly

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