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today's my father's birthday. He would have been 58 years old.

I always have to pause and think about it. In my head he is the age he was when he died, 44. A magical age frozen in time. just a reference. west o' the sun, east o' the moon. nothing real at all.

Sometimes I meet men who are 44 and I think with a start of surprise, that's how old my father was. And I scan these men with my grown up eyes to try and get a better understanding of 44, as though the age itself, the way they carry that age, might trigger something or hold a hint of my dad. Usually it holds only a wistfulness, loops of time slipping through my fingers like seafoam, delicate and gone.

I don't have his grave to visit here, but when I've got my mind organised I shall clean the house and make a small altar for him in some corner. Nthing fancy. Just a framed photograph, a lit candle, a red flower. And at attempt to treat myself nicely today too, to celebrate his birthday with something other than sadness.



Djordje Gotua
22.03.1946-17.10.1989

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( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
lillfive
Mar. 22nd, 2004 08:29 am (UTC)
He's very, very handsome. Our fathers were almost the same age.
Thank you for sharing his picture and his memory with us.
67threnody
Mar. 22nd, 2004 09:42 am (UTC)
Thank you for sharing that with us.

My birth mother died when she was 44. Forty-four is very young.

And take care of yourself. Be good to yourself.

He would have wanted it that way.
dubaiyan
Mar. 22nd, 2004 02:01 pm (UTC)
He was a beautiful man
14 years to live w/o your dad is very long. No wonder you're so strong, though I bet you don't feel so.
rainsinger
Mar. 23rd, 2004 06:59 pm (UTC)
THanks Everyone
I appreciate the comments and the kindness. :)
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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