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10 years and counting

10 years ago : I was living in Liverpool, struggling with my MSc and with my flatmates habit of having raucous parties weekly and loudly singing melancholic Greek songs (daily). I was deeply deeply depressed walking a precipice so steep that it's only by the grace of God that I managed to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And while it was a depressing year, filled with aimlessness and joblessness and confusion and me not being able to see a way forward at all, a mere year later brought the beginnings of all the good things that have crept up and bloomed in my life since then.

5 years ago : I was still incredibly stressed and pained looking after Matei, but after several months of staying with my mother had entered a "swimming not drowning" stage of new parenthood. Though I still felt quite traumatised by looking after my son and inadequate as a mother, things were slowly starting to look up and I could see glimmers of hope on the horizon.

3 years ago: I was hugely pregnant, incredibly hot and almost completely housebound due to crippling ligament woes. I was preparing for my final exam of the Family Therapy course despite the fact that the institution which had been educating me had gone into bankruptcy several months previously.

1 year ago: I was a few intense months in to my first NHS job, and thrilled to be there despite the daily 3 hour commute. I was feeling some apprehension about managing the Conduct Disorder cases coming my way, not realising how deeply attached I would grow to them and how well many of them would do.

1 week ago: I was handing in my notice at NHS job and accepting an offer of employment at FutureJob, feeling the same mixture of thrill and anticipation as I have before every job. I was also beginning to say goodbye to my clients and make plans to either discharge or transfer to the care of others which has been somewhat emotional. In some ways it is a relief (no more CAFs and TACs and sodding paperwork!) and in others a profound loss (saying goodbye to all the lovely families and colleagues I worked with; feeling like I am reading a gripping book I have to set down in the middle of the story and never get to know the end of).

yesterday has felt odd and strangely jarring, like having my mind sandpapered and my normally respectable fuse melt to nothing which had me escalate into episodes of profound and completely irrational rage over relatively minor inconveniences and offences by the children. A sense of being crammed into my skin like a tiger into a cage and feeling peculiarly oppressed by nature (pollen; skewering pains in my stomach and foot) and the irrepressible nature of my offspring and then finding myself back within profound happiness at the weight and warmth of their small bodies, at their ideas and conversation. Feeling a joy that's bright and visceral and fierce as comets in the dark; understanding that I was not built to feel things mildly and that whatever has been we have survived, and that tomorrow always brings another chance.

Comments

( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
actually_not
Jun. 24th, 2013 06:16 am (UTC)
Wheee! New job. Congratulations. We must celebrate with cake and squid. xx
rainsinger
Jul. 8th, 2013 04:09 am (UTC)
Thank you! I am back in England on Wednesday and game for all the squid and cocktIls ladudu can throw at us. X
meepettemu
Jun. 24th, 2013 06:46 am (UTC)
I hope that FutureJob works well for you. Congratulations! :)
rainsinger
Jul. 8th, 2013 04:12 am (UTC)
Thank you! I am equal parts nervous and excited to start (I will be working in an inpatient unit for kids with eating disorders).
meepettemu
Jul. 8th, 2013 08:19 am (UTC)
How amazing. You will be fabulous and I hope it's everything you want it to be.

I've been watching 'don't call me crazy' and one of the kids on that has an ED. I just keep wondering where her therapy is (and hoping she is getting some they aren't telling us about)
yiskah
Jun. 24th, 2013 09:48 am (UTC)
It is always lovely to see you posting here! Congratulations on the new job. x
rainsinger
Jul. 8th, 2013 04:13 am (UTC)
Thank you!x
themooselet
Jun. 25th, 2013 08:43 am (UTC)
I apologize in advance for the long and not necessarily relevant comment, but heck, this is a good a time as any other to delurk, I suppose? It's funny, though I've been very long in LJ, I only found you about two years ago through a comment about motherhood you wrote on NothingButBonfires. I was struggling with the same ambivalence at the time ("should I have children? Will I be a good mother? Will my life be ruined?") and your comment was so beautiful, so intense and honest, that I had to follow you. Also, your story gave me hope that even if motherhood didn't come easily to me, it would probably still be ok. And what do you know: two years on I am the happy mother of an intense, crazy, adorable toddler. His infancy wasn't easy but we've found our rhythm (going back to work helped) and I'm happier than ever.

Anyway, long way to say: love your writing :).
rainsinger
Jul. 8th, 2013 04:15 am (UTC)
Thank you so much, how lovely of you to say. Apologies for tbe delayed response, I only get the opportunity fo log in sporadically these days.

And well done to you, I am glad that you are making family life work.
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )

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