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Dream

I had a very powerful dream and want to record it now while I can still remember.

I dreamt that I got my wish and I had my father back again for a day or two. Usually in my dreams he is alive, he hasn't died at all and there is always some elaborate explanation of why he has spent years missing. But hey, it's all right, it was all a joke and he's back and he is real. I don't have those often anymore but I remember they were woven through the fabric of the second year after he died.

One of the reasons I think why the sedatives and sleeping tabs have a real appeal to me is because I've long preferred the dream world to this one since there, in all my endless, countless dreams of travelling and searching I could hope to find that which was lost to me in the waking world.

In this dream by contrast, I knew my father was dead. Over the years as I've become more at peace with the idea of his death, and the Absence of Djordje went from gaping hole to a shadow scar in every room, I've often thought that if I had a wish it would be to have him back again, but just breifly, even for a few hours or a day. Time in which my father could hold me again and I hold him. And we could have coffee somewhere, just sit and talk like any two other people on earth who meet after a long absence. And I could tell him about my life and he could tell me about being dead but mostly I could touch him again. I could smell him. I could hold his hand. Because it is my dad's easy physicality that I so often miss and yearn for.

Even though he was pretty shit at the whole *responsible supportive husband and father* thing he was my dad and my hero and I was a child and I loved him. I remember the hugeness of his physical presence, he was tall and well built but more than that he had a powerful energy field. A man who commanded every room as though it was a stage and had countless people fall in love with him. And he was strong. He could lift and swing me high and he used to hold me.

So that was my dream. I dreamt I'd got my heart's desire and he was back, just for a couple of days. I was questioning him about the how's of it and he explained that he heard my calling and decided to descend into physicality again for a little while, and that in order to stay physical he had to keep drinking vodka because it was holding his molecules together.

There was a distance between us at first, he seemed slightly distracted and withdrawn and I was uneasy but then finally we bridged the gap. He put his arms around me and I could close my eyes and we talked. I remember that I spent most of the dream just convulsed with crying as though some hidden, unhealed part of me was finally achieving release. Just cry and cry and cry as though I couldn't stop or didn't know how to until I drowned in my own pool of tears.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
coalproximity
Feb. 6th, 2004 10:16 am (UTC)
*heart*
it sounds like a powerful, happy, sad dream.

(((((hugs)))) <---- if ok.


a.
rainsinger
Feb. 6th, 2004 09:52 pm (UTC)
Re:
mewliness.

Cheers for the hugs :)

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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rainsinger
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