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love in absentia, again

I have slept with the pyjamas you wore on your last night here ever since you left. I roll them into a ball and keep them underneath my pillow. At bedtime I bury my nose in them and imagine the sweet splay of your limbs (although the mournful mind is an idealist, my son, so it glosses over the part of our morning routine when you normally kick me in the kidneys).

Your father says that your hair has become much darker. I cannot picture you as anything but blond.

I know you don't miss me like you did the first year. There is no pull, no vibrating urgency at the back of my skull. All is quiet and all is well.

Beyond my shut eyes, my mind roams the strands of Time/Space looking for glimmers of your day. Fragments return. Salty skin and sunlight on water and yellow digger trucks. The scent of cypresses. Your startled protest at the sudden burst of wind on the beach. The flare of small darting fishes. The determined set of your shoulders as you wade into the waves.

In some ways, this is what I've always done. Hovered and watched, drinking you in.

I miss you. Your laundered clothes sit unfolded on your bed, your trucks and cars are still arranged in precarious heaps. I cannot bear to move them just yet. It keeps alive the fantasy that you are just around the corner - stepped out for a walk perhaps, and coming right back. I startle at the voice of every child in the street and I pour my love and my longing into painting.

The rational mind points out how happy you are where you are, and how frazzled and crazy I would be attempting to look after both you and the newborn. The mind says: Three months will pass before you know it, and this is a wonderful opportunity for him to run around the seaside and build a relationship with his grandparents. This is an enormous gift, and it is for the best.

But the heart is a traitor, and in the still hot airless hours of the night it whispers only: Come back.

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Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
pondbluebird
Jul. 3rd, 2010 12:27 pm (UTC)
xo
rainsinger
Jul. 6th, 2010 11:11 am (UTC)
Thank you.

x
mzwyndi
Jul. 3rd, 2010 11:32 pm (UTC)
love in absentia, again
Oh, darling! He carries you with him on his grand adventure.
rainsinger
Jul. 6th, 2010 11:12 am (UTC)
Re: love in absentia, again
Thank you.
x
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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