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Sisterhood of the Storytellers

I've been on downtime since BlogHer. Partially it was jetlag and recovery from the Great Road Trips of 2009, but mostly it was the processing of learning and experience. I've been buzzing with words ever since - and more than words, with inspiration. With the restlessness that comes from feeling that something inside of you is taking shape, waiting to be born.

And it was only yesterday as I remembered the passion and the palpable shiver I felt while listening to the Transformational Power of Blogging in Chicago, listening to brave women tell of the ways in which writing online had helped re-author/re-birth aspects of their lives that I went away with the feeling of wanting to speak out and own my old stories. It was after listening to the conversations in that room that I felt able to revisit with Z the old ghosts of my postnatal depression and the accompanying marital crisis. Although when I look back at what I wrote in the first three months of Matei's life, it doesn't communicate the depth of what I was going through or its unrelenting darkness, it was still the only place where I could talk about my feelings at the time. It was the only place where I could voice my truth and find a measure of solace and I think without that I would have imploded.

Since BlogHer I've had a continual longing to shift what I write here from the chronicle of the mundane and the humorous. I want to broaden my scope by talking about things I feel passionate about. Such as storytelling and feminism, ancestral issues and current events. I've always avoided writing about the political since I dislike offending others and drawing attention to myself, but I feel the words burning inside me.

I've seen the sharing of the self described as obnoxiousness and emotional exhibitionism, but it has never been that to me. To me it is a beautiful and courageous act. It is a reaching out. It is a launching ourselves from the safety of our perches, and hurtling through space and if we're lucky finding someone in that fall and being held.

My own mother likes to say that people who make an honest living are too busy for depression, and in one sense this is true. Survival mode limits the range of emotional being open to us just as it limits our capacity to receive and participate in relationships or experiences. Perhaps it's just an expression of my bone-idleness but I've never wanted to live my life on an adrenaline rush. wish to know my authentic self, melancholic or otherwise. And from that place of authentic being I wish to reach out to others who wish to be known whether through email, or real life encounters or the voracious reading of blogs.

Connections are my drug, whether with those who are already known and beloved or with the ones whom I can sense in the wings or those who lurk in the bend of the horizon. You. I wish to know you - bad hair days and axieties and loves and angers and all. It is a wish, not a statement of conquest. I respect a wish not to be known. I'll do what I've always done. Stand here and shine as brightly as I can, waiting for you (though not you, jpspammer).

Comments

( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
chiller
Aug. 8th, 2009 10:48 pm (UTC)
Hello. x
rainsinger
Aug. 9th, 2009 10:52 am (UTC)
xxx
mommywantsvodka
Aug. 9th, 2009 03:49 pm (UTC)
I look forward to seeing what you decide to do with your blog. I love it as it stands, but sometimes, I understand, you must change what you do.
rainsinger
Aug. 10th, 2009 09:42 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :) It's always delightful to get an affirmation. :)
meepettemu
Aug. 10th, 2009 10:23 am (UTC)
I love reading your writes. From the big introspection to the humourous. You're lovely and you write well.

Sometimes I will read an unlocked one to hamster, and she laughs and 'aww's along with me.

Your blogher link, which i looked at when you first mentioned it, did you lock it now? last time I went to look, the titles show on my rss feed but I can't see the entry. no worries if it is, I was just interested x :o)
rainsinger
Aug. 10th, 2009 09:45 pm (UTC)
an enigma snuggled with a paradox
Hmmmm. I haven't gone back and locked anything. Is it a link to BlogHer site?
meepettemu
Aug. 11th, 2009 08:02 am (UTC)
Re: an enigma snuggled with a paradox
No. I checked it yesterday and it's working again. It must be just a temporary glitch :o)
yiskah
Aug. 10th, 2009 06:30 pm (UTC)
I think you are awesome. <3
rainsinger
Aug. 10th, 2009 09:04 pm (UTC)
I think the same of you. :)
And I'm gutted I missed your London appeareance.
yiskah
Aug. 10th, 2009 11:25 pm (UTC)
I know, I was so rubbish and disorganised this time around that I missed half the people I wanted to see! Still, I will be down again before I go to Sudan, for sure.
ext_203594
Aug. 14th, 2009 02:16 pm (UTC)
Go, YOU!
I am definitely looking forward to more from you.

I truly enjoyed speaking with you at BlogHer - you and your husband are such beautifully wonderful and genuine people.

I nodded my head in agreement to many sentiments in this post - Connections are my drug, too. I wish to know you, too.
rainsinger
Aug. 14th, 2009 06:04 pm (UTC)
Re: Go, YOU!
Hello :)
(Anonymous)
Sep. 29th, 2009 12:20 am (UTC)
Kelly from OrdinaryArt
I am so honored to be linked here. I can't wait to see where your blog takes you.
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )

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