?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Today was my first day back working for THE MAN after 11 months of maternity leave. I'm doing my old job, only in a new place (one closer to home, natch) so in some way it felt like starting over. Meeting everyone, introducing myself.

I am based in a school for the time being (I am not part of the school's staff, they just house me) and the transition is...strange. The school setting inhibits me, and also seems to confuse the people around me who -by force of habit I suppose- approach me as though I was a child (instead of a representative of a partner agency). Honestly it feels a bit like they are one step away for telling me off for running up the staircases and sending me to the principal for not wearing my uniform.

My Employing Borough loves me enough to give me a brand new lovely building (with openable windows no less, this time!) to be based in but not enough to give me chairs, computers or a phoneline to go with it. Instead we are sharing one computer (and two chairs) between three people so today when these were occupied I sat on the floor and went over files reminding myself to bring a cushion from home tomorrow and not to wear short skirts for the forseeable future.

On the home front, the baby is poorly and I am being the Designated Night-Time Soother. I remember how I hated that the first three months (mostly because it didn't work) but now I don't tend to view it as A Fearsome And Terrible Burdenne. He is still sleeping through the night he just needs some help now that he has a blocked nose.

In the daytime I don't always know what to do with him, but each night feels like its own world. 9 times out of 10, I am calm like Buddha when I step into his room. Usually it's enough to simply stroke his back or hold his hand for a minute. But if he's struggling I pick him up, kiss his head, sway my body and the small body I'm holding. Shhhh, shhhh, shhhhhhh. There is distant car noise from the street outside, and in the room my voice rises and falls like the sea. He lays his cheek against my collarbone, his body heavy with drowsiness.

I have waited the better part of a year for my son to enjoy and desire cuddling with me. I don't resent it because of that, amongst other reasons. The nighttime world is ours. Dream-heavy, sleep-webbed, the boundaries between us blur. By moments it is as though we are one body again and the lulling dark around us is like a velvet thing you sail into.

I am yours, I tell him, and you are mine. And I wonder if he'll remember any of this as he grows. Whether ever walking in dark rooms he'll feel an echo of comfort, recall the sensation of being held and loved, the scent of my skin, the rhythm of my heart.

And sometimes in there I meet my own memory. A tall blue-eyed man and the sound of his voice. The Russian song he used to sing to send me to sleep.
Spi moya radost usni.

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
(Anonymous)
Nov. 3rd, 2008 11:32 pm (UTC)
LOVELY!!!
Congrats on your first day back on the job.

I loved this post...you are a beautiful writer.

Isn't it amazing how we can remember the songs our parents sang us as children? I remember some of my mom's songs, too.

I was wondering what your country of origin was after reading some of your older posts that talked about being an immigrant. Now I know! I visited Russia a few times and found it to be a country rich in culture and some of the warmest people I've met.
rainsinger
Nov. 4th, 2008 12:32 am (UTC)
Re: LOVELY!!!
Ta very much. :)


I was wondering what your country of origin was after reading some of your older posts that talked about being an immigrant. Now I know! I visited Russia a few times and found it to be a country rich in culture and some of the warmest people I've met.


I've actually misled you a bit. I am of Russian descent and speak it fluently but I was born in (what was) Yugoslavia.

I've only been to Russia proper once (and remember it from a small child's perspective) but I would love to visit again.
prophetessamy
Nov. 4th, 2008 12:07 am (UTC)
Oh wow. The sweetness of the last two paragraphs broke my tired heart.
rainsinger
Nov. 4th, 2008 12:32 am (UTC)
Thank you. :)

Why is your heart tired? Is it election fatigue?
prophetessamy
Nov. 4th, 2008 12:41 am (UTC)
Oh I wish it were that. I have been working overtime and how, and I disappointed my best friend really badly today, and life is just rushing through me and past me at a great speed so I'm running on empty. :(
smallblakflower
Nov. 4th, 2008 05:13 pm (UTC)
Whether ever walking in dark rooms he'll feel an echo of comfort, recall the sensation of being held and loved, the scent of my skin, the rhythm of my heart.
I really, truly believe those things are never lost.

A few years ago I told my parents I found late-night Snooker very relaxing and felt myself almost hypnotised by it It emerges that throughout my infancy my parents would sit up with non-sleepy baby-me and watch snooker until I was ready to go back to bed.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

Profile

smiley
rainsinger
deep sky, firefly

Latest Month

December 2013
S M T W T F S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031    

Tags

Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Tiffany Chow