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Loving and Leaving

Emotions on overdrive.

A lot of stuff being processed, a lot of stuff surfacing.

We interrupt this post for an announcement from Nina's semi-rational brain which is temporarily back in power

To anyone I have been a bitch to the past couple of weeks, my sincere apologies. Really. I realise I've at best been sulky and moody at worst a nightmare and a royal pain in the ass.

I am sorry for any nastiness, I really am. It is a testament to everyone's characters for being patient with it. I appreciate it.

I realise that Dina is swimming around my head a lot of late. That I am dealing with much of the fallout from that relationship now, by projecting it onto my current, (on the whole) healthy friendships.

Because for the formative years of my life, and up to 2001 those who meant the most ot me, those who I loved the most and who claimed to love me, left me, or betrayed me, or both.

that hurts. I hurt.

I realise in a part of my mind that I expect betrayal, or rejection, or abandoment even now from those I love. Because part of me fears that I've been lulled into a false sense of security and ease and this is just a calm before a storm, before all the things come crashing down.

I feel needy. Needing to be soothed and reassured I guess, because it does help a lot, even if for a little while and I'd feel guilty for it, except I realise that it is better to be needy and speak about it than be needy and keep it inside.

It is difficult to feel my rage inside, my paranoia, my irrationality and oversensitivity and not get swept away. It is like being buffetted by waves while trying to keep footing on slippery shore. I am not certain of precisely what it is I need half the time... other than that i need... something.

I know there are no guarantees in life beyond death and taxes.

Horrible shit may happen. I may end up being rejected, abandoned, betrayed and so on by those I love, those who are meant to love me whether unwittingly or through some grand design.

It helps, it really does, to feel that people care enough to sit through a bad mood with me, or put up with me in spite of my bouts of BitchFiendFromHell.

It makes me feel that while I may indeed at some point be abandoned or have all my worst fears confirmed, it won't be today, and it won't be at the drop of a hat.

chants to self: *crying is healthy and good. crying is healthy and good*

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( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
coalproximity
Jan. 6th, 2004 10:14 pm (UTC)
Wow, I hear way way way too much of myself in that post,
I know what you mean about abandonment and betrayal, it hurts, it really does, and when it happens too many times you really do start to expect it from everyone, and that sucks, it's hard not to be able to just trust your friendships to be there for you.
I guess that all things do eventually end, and friendships don't always last forever, but it's still going to hurt every time you lose one of them, another person off the list or whatever.
But try to trust your friends, I think it's the only way to live, even if they do leave in the end, make the best of the time now, I suppose.
I hope you feel more stable and better soon...
rainsinger
Jan. 8th, 2004 08:10 am (UTC)
thanks, Prox. :)

I'm hanging in there and the painting perked me up. (looks even better in person, as it were. Am trying to remember whether anyone owes me favours and does nice framing. :) It is a really cool shape and size actually and I'm looking at good places to hang it.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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