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one comes in, the other one goes out.

My grandmother has died. Hardly shocking considering she was 100 and had been fading for awhile, but stll - a bit sad.

Frankly at this point I'm starting to doubt my ability to cope with life if it ever, you know, just decided to be still for a while.

She had a long long life my grandmother, and mostly a tragic one (because if I lived to see my husband and children die, I don't know how long I'd want to hang around after that). She loved me a lot, and I loved her as much even though being loved by her was often difficult. Her love could be both toxic and brutal even though I know they weren't her intentions. So much stuff and bittersweetness interweaving through everything there.

I want to let go of everything but the good times. Remember her for those because they were there. Her mind was going so much towards the end that she was enjoying a rich social life with imaginary family and friends until her hold of reality was quite quite gone and she stopped recognising anyone and the last person she remembered was me. Actually the only person she remembered at the end. Bittersweetness and a strange kind of grief in that too.

Truthfully the person who I knew as my grandmother died in every conceivable way a year ago, and I've been mourning her loss ever since. So I've been grieving the death of her for a long time, today, it's simply the final step in the mourning process.

Letting go. Also being released. Because every person whose life had in some way revolved around my granny's emotional and physical needs (including me) is now free to seek their own way in the world. And she is free is as well because at the end the life she had she would not have wanted.

I loved her and was loved. She had the death I would have wished for her - silent, in her sleep. She slipped away in the unobtrustive manner she never had in life, and I wish and hope that everyone she ever loved came to meet her at the gate.

Comments

( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
guihong
Jan. 7th, 2008 03:32 pm (UTC)
I am sorry for your loss. She lives on through you and Matei, and he will hear all her stories, I'm sure.

I believe she's watching out for him right now.

*hugs*
gui
yiskah
Jan. 7th, 2008 03:48 pm (UTC)
Oh, I am sorry. x
ozgirlabroad
Jan. 7th, 2008 04:01 pm (UTC)
I am so sorry x

My great gran sounds like yours, lived to 100, amazing life, a strong woman who could be cutting and really hurt people. But now, five years on, I can only remember the good times - the bad times are all soft and hazy and impossible to grab a hold of.
bluedevi
Jan. 7th, 2008 04:04 pm (UTC)
My condolences. You wrote about her so vividly.
67threnody
Jan. 7th, 2008 04:13 pm (UTC)
Something weird--the other day when I was reading your baby post, I was thinking about your grandmother and how you posted about her being 100 years old.

My condolences. I'm glad her death was a quiet slipping away, and I bet that everyone WAS there to welcome her home.
meepettemu
Jan. 7th, 2008 09:48 pm (UTC)
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Like Threnody, i was thinking about you and Matei and your grandmother only a couple of days ago. I was telling my friend from home.

*sending love*

And yes, i will come visit, if all is still ok with you, in february? We can sort it out later.

xx
miss_newham
Jan. 7th, 2008 11:23 pm (UTC)
I shall think of her in her flat, being cross about jam, and be glad that you let me meet her.
cumbrianheart
Jan. 8th, 2008 08:30 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. *sends condolences* 100 years is a good long innings, especially after a hard life, so there must be such a sense of mixed blessings.
*hugs*
suzylou
Jan. 8th, 2008 11:27 am (UTC)
I'm sorry, too *hugs*
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )

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