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Sep. 18th, 2005

Today, Z has left for France once more [his company is sending him on a two week training course in Versailles] and I'm doing my sentimental sun in Cancer and sitting here blubbing like A Big Girl. I'm temporarily living in his flat in New Barnet so that I can water the flowers and babysit the cat [efforts that shall be repaid handsomely on his return with being taken out to dinner] and the flat is weird without him. Empty and echoey. I'll be fine, we'll see each other soon enough - sooner if I can afford to go to Paris for the weekend and be sneaked into his posh hotel room under the cover of darkness - but still, temporarily I'm sad.

It's weird really to think that we've been together for nearly nine months and most of that time we've been very happy. I never thought I'd make it. I never thought I'd be able to be with someone this much, this long and want to do more of it. After all, usually I'm so flighty and independent - I thought I'd feel trapped and restless and that the first fight would scare me away. Except that thanks to his non-invasive tactics we bonded gently, almost by osmosis until one day I woke up and realised how much he had permeated the fabric of my life. Yes, there have been conflicts and disagreements [fundamentally we are very different in some of our approaches] and to this date we've had five discussions but never an arguement and I find it all pretty reassuring.

He seems sturdy enough, self-assured enough to be able to take my sarcasm and be amused by it and tease me back, and on the whole he's gentle enough not to wound me [a very delicate balance]. I marvel at that, and at the amount of happiness I've felt for the better part of a year much as I know that whatever choice I had made at the crossroads last December there would always be a measure of regret.

There are many defining moments in relationships, and my most recent one came in a dream.

It was a vivid type of nightmare in which some villain was trying to subject me to fates worse than death [rape, torture, Celine Dion concert] and a very dashing man arrived to the rescue. He was tall, charming and handsome [as a matter of fact he bore a passing resemblance to our Administrator] and after he'd saved me he carried me away in his arms.

Coooooo went my dream-self already forgetting dream traumas.

And the beautiful charming creature carried me all the way down the dream streets until we arrived at the nearest tube station and there he asked me whether I wanted to go home with him.

Yes, thought I Oh, very much, yes.

But then when I was about to step into a new life with what seemed like a potentially improved version of my current boyfriend something in me changed and I couldn't do it. In my dream I turned around and went back to Z, and when I woke up it was with the sense that it has been The Right Thing To Do and that an actual important choice had been made somewhere out there in dreamscapes, on astral planes, in the realm of infinite possibilities among the beating diaphonous wings butterflies and moths.

Comments

( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
scarletdemon
Sep. 18th, 2005 10:17 am (UTC)
Wow. You're really smitten!
verlaine
Sep. 18th, 2005 10:22 am (UTC)
They both are, that's what's so lovely about it :)
rainsinger
Sep. 18th, 2005 10:23 am (UTC)
Yes. Damnit. Frankly it's a huge inconvenience in my flirtations with other men.
ultraruby
Sep. 18th, 2005 01:27 pm (UTC)
Awww! Z is great and you are great and you make a marvellous couple. x
gromwell
Sep. 18th, 2005 07:51 pm (UTC)
Made me cry - again. I'm so happy you're both so happy.
nicbone
Sep. 18th, 2005 09:08 pm (UTC)
That was lovely to read.
kc724
Sep. 19th, 2005 07:52 am (UTC)
You def need to squeeze more than a dinner out of him. I betcha his two weeks 'training course' is more like a four day training course and ten days of sightseeing. That's why all the execs always have their meetings in Aspen.
nanji
Sep. 20th, 2005 10:23 pm (UTC)
time is the greatest luxury (even more so than space)
I'm delighted your relationship is looking so good. I'm also delighted that you have some time on your own to reflect upon your future, take time for yourself (very important) and type up some long-awaited work for a loving friend (very very important!)

love

N
nanji
Sep. 20th, 2005 10:36 pm (UTC)
Re: time is the greatest luxury (even more so than space)
Ok, ok dudette i just read your reply! :D thank you. Have a play with photoshop if you like - I'd love to see the outcome but don't worry about it if u get short on time since I've already drawn up several pictures. But i'm sure that scottie would appreciate the help. (he's doing something mega cool and not a little difficult at the moment for Dress Dolly - It's FABULOUS!)

And so the lair is near St Raphael? Cool! that's really near me. I could totally have a secret lair there and commute daily. Though for security reasons I should live deep below the 'base' rather than at home. But it's still really convenient. Definitely something to think about...

and I hope I'll get a look in on that Lexx tape!

love & kisses

N*
nanji
Sep. 20th, 2005 10:38 pm (UTC)
and maybe u could send me the admin details for lumatorium so that I can make those changes..

cheers!! :)

N*
rainsinger
Sep. 27th, 2005 11:52 pm (UTC)
hey sweetie, i've made you the maintainer of the community. I think you should be able to access it when you log into your own journal if you go to manage--- communities.

love you
meepettemu
Sep. 21st, 2005 08:31 am (UTC)
Hello.

You know, i never thought I'd see this. But then i guess you don't suprise me anymore. If there's one thing I've learnt with you, it's 'expect the unexpected' (like 'nobody expects the Spanish inquisition'!)

I just ran out of things to say. But it's nice to see you happy :o)

x
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )

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