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an ending

My friend texted yesterday from Belgrade to say that my last love is getting married in September and that he sends me his warmest greetings. So I SMS'd him my warmest greetings back.

Last time we saw each other had said: "There is something I have to tell you. Something I think you should know. I am seeing someone. And I don't know what to do about this. About us." And I'd shrugged and said "Do whatever you want. I have no expectations of you". Because I hadn't.

And when his choice involved the shedding of clothes I did not object, only smiled at him as I shed mine in turn, unpinned my hair. Followed him into the realm between the sheets where there was no time, no others, only him and me. No sense of self-recrimination [after all his relationship decisions were not my problem], but a sense of being secretly pleased in a way. At my power. At being irresistible. At the proof that he felt something deep enough for me that drew him back.

I wonder if he felt guilty. He probably does. Or if not guilty, then cautious.
Something complex. Unspoken. My only regret.
I wish we could speak.
That I could say: "I wish you happiness in your marriage, truly. I let you go. I hope you have a good life. And you were special to me. You were a great thing that happened. We had a rare thing together."

Nothing prevents us from speaking, other than that I was angry with him the last time we didn't speak, when he didn't call me back after he'd said he would and I swore I'd not contact him again unless he contacted me first. Because I will not be taken for granted or disrespected. Not by anyone. Not again.

But occasionally he still wonders through my sleeptimes and we talk in drream, sometimes, like last night.

In the dream we look at one another.
We don't hold hands.
In the dream, the space between us is a swirly twilight blue.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.

Comments

( 15 comments — Leave a comment )
dubaiyan
Jul. 27th, 2005 12:00 am (UTC)
:-O
v. bohemian post
rainsinger
Jul. 27th, 2005 12:03 am (UTC)
Re: :-O
hehehhe.
bohemian is probably an understated word that applies to much of my past. ;)
twistedserious
Jul. 27th, 2005 04:07 am (UTC)
This has nothing to do with your post, really...
...but your icon is absolutely gorgeous.
rainsinger
Aug. 4th, 2005 04:16 pm (UTC)
Re: This has nothing to do with your post, really...
thank you :)

i've missed you.
how have things been in your world?
twistedserious
Aug. 24th, 2005 06:13 pm (UTC)
Re: This has nothing to do with your post, really...
Uhm... surprisingly hectic. Yours? ^__^ (I missed you too...)
mzdt
Jul. 27th, 2005 05:45 am (UTC)
"I wish you happiness in your marriage, truly. I let you go. I hope you have a good life. And you were special to me. You were a great thing that happened. We had a rare thing together."

something I'd like to find a way to say to FT, now married and very pregnant, living a street away from me and not in touch at all...

it's good to acknowledge history. x
rainsinger
Aug. 4th, 2005 04:17 pm (UTC)
t's good to acknowledge history. x

i think so too.
in any case it feels good.

thank you for reading. x
kc724
Jul. 27th, 2005 07:09 am (UTC)
I'm not even going to try to understand what exactly you're going through right now. However I just remembered (again!) that you were two days older than me so happy belated birthday!
rainsinger
Aug. 4th, 2005 04:17 pm (UTC)
thank you!
and happy belated birthday to you too. :D

i hope you've had a good one.
squaddie67
Jul. 27th, 2005 09:13 am (UTC)
You always manage to write a lovely post don't you? Thanks N.
rainsinger
Aug. 4th, 2005 04:18 pm (UTC)
thank you for reading.

and patience about the fact that IOU astrology :)

x
(Deleted comment)
rainsinger
Aug. 4th, 2005 04:18 pm (UTC)
I love you too honey.

How is Seattle?
lillfive5
Jul. 29th, 2005 02:35 am (UTC)
You never cease to amaze me...what a beautiful person you are. What a *good* person you are. I'm horrible. I wish all my exes ill.

And your writing is just so beautiful. You're just so beautiful right now. Well, always. But especially right now.
rainsinger
Aug. 4th, 2005 04:19 pm (UTC)
thank you :)

i wish some of my exes ill. or at least nuisances and traffic jams. ;)
( 15 comments — Leave a comment )

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