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Back to Broadband again

I still haven't quite recovered from my vacation because the last few days I ended up having a mini-breakdown. My grandmother is difficult at the best of times, but when she is ill this is doubly so because she mixes up her medication, or forgets to take it, and when you throw in full scale tortures and lots of stress and aggravation it all spiralled out of control. Mostly it was because her carer was ill and away, and my mother was busy coping with other crises so it was just me on my own for a couple of days and I just couldn't cope.

At the pinnacle of things, I was going to pieces with stress. My face had erupted into this huge red rash and I was vomiting blood (which didn't seem a particularly good sign).

I have a pretty long fuse, but my defenses were down and when I reach my limit I shatter in a spectacular way. I still haven't been able to put myself back together again.

I feel utterly emotionally exhausted, and broken. Even though my physical symptoms calmed down as soon as I got some help and relief in the house, emotionally I feel like I've been wrecked and put through the wringer and I still haven't recovered. I'm tearful all the time, I shake and I cry, and by moments I feel incapable of doing the smallest things. Like picking up the phone, and having a conversation. Eating, cooking, putting on clothes, getting up, going in to work - it all takes so much effort.

In the hereafter I lie in bed staring at the ceiling for 20 minutes because somehow I can't find the strength to move. I suppose the closest experience I can relate it to is life in the aftermath of a major physical illness and being strengthless.

I will be ok. I am just not, right now.
I worry a little about breaking down at work, but I don't worry about it much because a) crying makes me feel better b) my team are lovely and very supportive.

It will take me some time to get over things. Right now, I'm in shut-down mode where I feel like I need to pull myself into myself and just rest and cry. Get all Cancerian and retreat to my shell. I didn't think I'd crack this much. I can't keep up with my life right now, I feel overwhelmed, so I'm simply withdrawing for a while, until the shock and love/hate and anger and exhaustion and sadness process themselves through my system. rainsinger is likely to be operating a reduced and partially-incoherent service until further notice.

I'm smoking again. Because in Yug the cigs are super-cheap and the air is much cleaner and I didn't have asthma and at one point I thought I'd either occupy myself by smoking or by slashing my wrists so I picked smoking.

I will perk up I'm sure, but right now mostly I just feel defeated.

Comments

( 38 comments — Leave a comment )
miss_newham
Mar. 1st, 2005 03:43 pm (UTC)
Crikey, Nina. Why are all the best people feeling so bad at the moment? Can we cancel February in future years (and I don't care if it messes up your horoscopes!)? Will be in touch elsewhere. Take care in your shell.
rainsinger
Mar. 5th, 2005 05:18 pm (UTC)
Thank you darling. :)
I'm much better now, and looking forward to seeing you soon.
actually_not
Mar. 1st, 2005 03:50 pm (UTC)
oh my....you sound broken....is there anything i can do? i could bring chocolate and cookies.

hope you feel a bit more human soon. scream if you need anything.

x
rainsinger
Mar. 5th, 2005 05:18 pm (UTC)
Thank you :)
I'm doing much better now with a few days of rest and affection.
I felt too wrecked to respond at the time, but I really appreciate your kindness. And the lovely flower pictures made me smile.
actually_not
Mar. 6th, 2005 11:41 pm (UTC)
yes, your posts sound happier now, i'm glad about that...it's always hard to see people in pain from the far distance....
verlaine
Mar. 1st, 2005 04:36 pm (UTC)
Vomiting up blood isn't good. You're sure it isn't connected to the cigarettes?
rainsinger
Mar. 5th, 2005 05:19 pm (UTC)
Pretty sure :( The only other time it's happened it was stress related, and since my stress levels dropped so did any bad physical symptoms I was experiencing.

On an unconnected note, that icon of yours is my favourite one so far.
minnesattva
Mar. 1st, 2005 04:43 pm (UTC)
When I was all down and crazy and such, I remember you having nice and helpful things to say to me, so it's a shame I can't return the favor. :-)

I know that "I'm still okay or at least will be eventually" feeling, but I also know that is the meantime it doesn't hurt to be told you have friends who think of you and hope you're happier soon.
rainsinger
Mar. 5th, 2005 05:20 pm (UTC)
I remember you having nice and helpful things to say to me, so it's a shame I can't return the favor. :-)

You have. :)
I felt too wrecked to respond at the time, but I really appreciate the comment and the kindness.
minnesattva
Mar. 5th, 2005 06:09 pm (UTC)
I'm glad to be at all helpful to my friends, and glad that you're doing at least a little better now.
sparktastic
Mar. 1st, 2005 04:54 pm (UTC)
*love and support*

If you think of anything I can do to help, let me know.

<3
rainsinger
Mar. 5th, 2005 05:21 pm (UTC)
Thank you hunni. :)
I am doing much better now.

Although on an unconnected note, I haven't seen you for ages and it would be nice to see you again. I shall text when i get my brain back.
bluedevi
Mar. 1st, 2005 04:54 pm (UTC)
Oh, hugs. Take care of yourself. And if you feel like coming out of the shell at any point, give me a shout.
rainsinger
Mar. 5th, 2005 05:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you :)
I am much better now, and sorry to hear that you've had a shit night.

I shall give you a shout when brain comes back, because it would be lovely to see you.
ultraruby
Mar. 1st, 2005 05:06 pm (UTC)
Oh, no! I'm really sorry you're feeling bad. I am sending you loads and loads of warm hugs and good vibes. If there's anything I can do, just let me know.

Hold tight, and don't worry about how long it takes you to perk up. You'll get there eventually.

x
rainsinger
Mar. 5th, 2005 05:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you :)
I am much much better now.

I felt too wrecked to respond to this earlier, but I really appreciate your niceness.
smallblakflower
Mar. 1st, 2005 05:30 pm (UTC)
*throws the hug and offer of support right back atcha*

I'm always a willing ear :-)
rainsinger
Mar. 5th, 2005 05:23 pm (UTC)
Thank you :)
guihong
Mar. 1st, 2005 06:01 pm (UTC)
What vacation?

I'm sorry you're feeling so rough. Take extra extra good care of you, and I send you my support from over here.

gui
grazia
Mar. 1st, 2005 06:17 pm (UTC)
heal quickly, dear one. and as for the vomiting-of-blood, have you considered seeing a doctor? that doesn't sound good :(

hugs,
Emily
rainsinger
Mar. 5th, 2005 05:23 pm (UTC)
heal quickly, dear one. and as for the vomiting-of-blood, have you considered seeing a doctor?

I will, if it repeats itself. :) Although the distressing physical symptoms stopped when I stopped being so stressed.
grazia
Mar. 7th, 2005 05:46 am (UTC)
the distressing physical symptoms stopped when I stopped being so stressed

oh, i'm glad :)

peace,
e
mzwyndi
Mar. 1st, 2005 07:40 pm (UTC)
*deep, cleansing breath*

You have a good, screaming-at-the-sky-and-making-lots-of-noise cry about it all, dear. And then you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and thank all applicable gods that you don't *live* in that kind of hell every day.

And then go to work and help the kids find that same peace.

'k?
rainsinger
Mar. 5th, 2005 05:30 pm (UTC)
Thank you :)
I felt too wrecked to respond to this properly at the time, but just wanted to say thank you for all your support and telling me the things I need to hear.

I am doing much better now.
mzwyndi
Mar. 7th, 2005 01:26 pm (UTC)
***hug*** It's part of survivor-dom, in my honest opinion, to be able to say to people in places you've visited, "I know it sucks, but tomorrow is going to be different..."

I'm glad you're putting yourself back together.
trsha
Mar. 1st, 2005 08:23 pm (UTC)
MMMMMM, draga, mnogo mi je zao sto se tako osecas i zaista bih volela da si se ovde lepse provela i vise odmorila.
Mnogo te ljubim i volim i saljem ti svu svoju pozitivnu energiju
Cmokic!
rainsinger
Mar. 5th, 2005 05:28 pm (UTC)
Hvala Mico na lepim mislima i pozitivnim vibracijama!
Par dana sam se odmorila i mnogo, mnogo sam bolje.

Volim te i nedostajes mi

N
lillfive
Mar. 1st, 2005 09:19 pm (UTC)
I'm thinking of you, dear one. Be kind to yourself.

much love,
me
rainsinger
Mar. 5th, 2005 05:27 pm (UTC)
Thank you Mary. :)
I am much better now.
And I feel too wrecked to respond to your posts properly but I love your LJ and you.
ninetimestodie
Mar. 1st, 2005 10:25 pm (UTC)
Swallow a balloon and I'll reinflate ya. Pink or black? =)

*Hugs*

Hope you feel better soon.
rainsinger
Mar. 5th, 2005 05:26 pm (UTC)
:)
thanks honey.
I am much better now.
dubaiyan
Mar. 1st, 2005 10:31 pm (UTC)
smoking is better :((
I trust you'll go to a GP if the blood thing is copious...take care of you.

[Not surprised your gran's normal carer was ill]
rainsinger
Mar. 5th, 2005 05:26 pm (UTC)
Re: smoking is better :((

[Not surprised your gran's normal carer was ill]


*laughs*
Thank you for all your sweetness. :) I am doing much better now.
I hope you are too.
*hugs*
(Deleted comment)
rainsinger
Mar. 5th, 2005 05:24 pm (UTC)
Thank you honey.
I love you too.
I am much better now.
shelbydee
Mar. 2nd, 2005 12:48 pm (UTC)
I think I know how do you feel and probably no words can describe it well, so just take care.
rainsinger
Mar. 5th, 2005 05:24 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the kind thoughts :)
I am much better now.
twistedserious
Mar. 12th, 2005 09:57 pm (UTC)
A very wise person once told me this: Be gentle with you.
I never replied to that comment, perhaps because it was uncomfortable for me to know that someone had seen straight inside without me realizing it, and I didn't know how I was supposed to react to it, or how to answer. But I remembered what it said, and I've kept the comment in my inbox to this day. It was good advice, and perhaps you could benefit from getting it as well. *s* So, be gentle with you, and pamper yourself a bit. The world can wait while you recover.
And you know, smoking can be good for you. It's the only thing that scares monsters...
( 38 comments — Leave a comment )

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