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A few days ago while driving to Barnet, Natasha and I gave Z the Christmas gift of the explanation about periods.
And it went something like this:
Z: So when you have periods does it actually really hurt?
N: Yes it actually really does.
Z: So what hurts?
N: The lower abdomen. It feels like really intense cramping.
Z: Why does it hurt?
Nat: Because it's stressful for the uterus. It's different, women feel it on different levels. Some won't feel much pain, others will be completely incapacitated.
Z: What helps?
Nat: Heat. Nettle tea. Chocolate if you have a craving for it.
N: And during a period the body changes.
Nat: Water retention mostly but the abdomen, and hands and feet can swell, and the breasts may also change size.
Z: Cool.
N: It's not, the breasts become extremely sensitive and they hurt to touch. So no physical entertainments during periods. Except just before a period. That's a really good time to have sex.
Z: And the hormones affect your moods?
N& Nat: They do.
Nat: I get really angry really easily.
N: I get really tearful and depressed.
Nat: And likely anything that you say will be the wrong thing to have said.
Z: I am familiar with that one.
N: So the best you can do is just make tea and not say anything.
Z: That's cool, I can do that.
N: You learn well. You will go far.

I am stressing about the prospect of relationship, because because because I'm not used to having relationships with men. I've got a lot of male related trauma in my head, largely to do with an abusive relationship several years back and this really stirs it up and has me hyperventilating all over the place.

This almost invariably happens at the beginnings of things. I do not mind talking about my history with friends, but as soon as one of them gets upgraded to a partner then it becomes almost impossible for me because a part of my head starts to shut down and a part of my head starts to run around screaming.

It was this way with Rupert, and with Dobrica, and with Scott, and pretty much every male in the last three years.

With women, not at all the same. With women I always panic a little, but it's nothing that really stressed me out like this. I suppose because with women I've learned from scratch, on my own, and I'm confident in my abilities to cope. With men, I feel like I'm floundering in deep water, or speeding down the hill on rollerblades flailing my arms and shouting * I Don't Know What I'm Doing!!*. And then something happens. Like either we click and connect and have passionate sex, after which point I start to realise I do know what I'm doing and go on to have loving relationships glued together by passionate unions of mind and body, or else physically we find we are not compatible at which point I do a lot of throwing up and agonising about how to break up without hurting their feelings or irreparably damaging the friendship.

The primary difference between this and the other relationships is that we are both at the same place at the same time, which is soemthing of a novelty for me. I'm used to having a more long-distance type relation with several weeks being spent together and several months apart (which emotionally is a much more safe dynamic).

And I don't want to be safe anymore. I want to push and challenge myself, and I have and I am, and I'm doing something that is very very frightening. So I'm using distance to help myself get calm, and reassure myself that I can still be fiercely independent.

I know he is not an abusive man, very far from it. But what I know on a mental level still doesn't stop all the emotional shit from being triggered and kicking up.

I had a fabulous time when it was just the two of us. I want to spend more time like that, just the two of us, because it makes it easier for me to manage my feelings.

There are many many things I like about Z not the least of which is that he treats the period tutorial as gospel, and that he also seems to be willing to let me have my moods without reciprocating with a mood of his own. He is also easygoing, very laid back, and finds it easy to see the funny side of things, so these are all very good signs that we may yet cope.

and now I must go and prevent a small child from climbing onto the windowsill.

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Comments

( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
dubaiyan
Dec. 31st, 2004 08:41 pm (UTC)
long-distance is more safe
i did that for 3 years, and broke it off when it looked like not being long-distance any more...oy.

or speeding down the hill on rollerblades flailing my arms and shouting * I Don't Know What I'm Doing!!*

heh - did that this week
rainsinger
Jan. 2nd, 2005 12:15 pm (UTC)
Re: long-distance is more safe
heh - did that this week

I remember doing it the first time I went rollerblading. Actually, I still haven't learned how to stop (except my hugging things like trees and traffic lights) so I am likely to continue doing it.
tubewalker
Dec. 31st, 2004 08:54 pm (UTC)
N: So the best you can do is just make tea and not say anything.
Z: That's cool, I can do that.
N: You learn well. You will go far.


20:41 on NYE deep in Brittany, far from everything in the most beautiful, remote house with kir and fantastic mushrooms yet hose words have slaughtered me. Out of the people on here that I have met you are probably the one I have spoken the least to yet your words trip me easily and graze me splendidly. All I can do is raise my glass in grinning stupidity and toast you.

To Rainsinger... I'm speechless.

We really should write lyrics, I suggest Period Tutorial as Gospel as a 1st song.
rainsinger
Jan. 2nd, 2005 12:10 pm (UTC)
Thank you Woody :)

We really should write lyrics, I suggest Period Tutorial as Gospel as a 1st song

I can think of no better start to a year ;)
Seriously I'd love to write lyrics with you, and I'm flattered that you asked, I just secretly fear I'd be rubbish at it because I'd never done it before.
tubewalker
Jan. 2nd, 2005 11:05 pm (UTC)
Heh, we'll be fine. Do you MSN?
rainsinger
Jan. 3rd, 2005 03:24 am (UTC)
I do indeed. :)
mariganne@aol.com
tubewalker
Jan. 3rd, 2005 04:15 pm (UTC)
Added you x
guihong
Dec. 31st, 2004 09:29 pm (UTC)
I'm seriously happy for you. From what little I know, he gets a green flag from me.

Wishing you the happiest of years..

gui
rainsinger
Jan. 2nd, 2005 12:14 pm (UTC)
Wishing you the happiest of years..

Thank you. To you too.
tatian
Jan. 5th, 2005 03:44 am (UTC)
This entry touched me deeply.
I just sorta have been battling a few personal demons about being fully invested into something with someone else. It was with the DJ thing and Jay, not with a lover. Still, the fear is the same. And I wasn't fully aware I had such a strong fear about committed stuff.

And I've grown accustomed to not really being plagued by fear after years of hard personal work. So to find I still have this other area that is so screwy. Yeah, sorta sucks.

I'm glad there are understanding people out there. I'm so excited that you're choosing to dive in. I hope the experience is a rewarding one for you. I hope you shine and have lots of fun!

*hugs*

Noa
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )

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