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Kinder Eggs

Most days the surface of my mind is placid and still, turqoise, cobalt and indigo blue. A sea mind.

The surface stillness may go on for days or weeks or months. And then sometimes, something happens a fragment of thought or feeling or memory erupts from the depths like a leaping marlin.

Today, I was shopping for my Secret Santa present for a collegaue at work, and trying to figure out the maximum amount of chocolate my £3 budget would stretch to, when someone jostled me and the Kinder Egg I had been holding fell. It dropped like a penny, and in that instant of its fall the fragments of memory resurfaced and I understood why it is I had avoided buying Kinder Eggs for well over a decade.

The autumn of 1989. On the eve of my Dad's brain surgery, my mom was going to the hospital to see him. When he'd spoken to my mother he'd requested something of mine to take with him, so I gave her to take him a small thing. Small enough to be smuggled into theatre in a man's clutched hand. A tiny plastic trinket really. A Kinder Egg toy.

And then he died. He suffered a massive haemorrhage in the brain, and he went into a coma, and he never woke up. And the impact of it hit the most in little ways.

Like the day after the day after he'd died. And there were quiet, somber people in the living room. My aunt dressed in black. And I was not sure that I could control my voice or my face, so I didn't want to speak, but I had to come and say hello anyway. My aunt, wordless, offering me two Kinder Eggs. Me, wordless, taking them, and knowing in that fraction of an instant some of the enormity of what had happened. That my aunt who was always so aganst me eating sweets, who censored my consumption of chocolate should be giving me treats now. Not one Kinder egg. But two.

They are not a treat or a distraction, so much as a different kind of sadness. They turn to cardboard and ash in my mouth.

And later still, days or weeks, or months perhaps, for I have barely any recollections of that first year, I was at a friend's house and he was attempting to cheer me up by showing me his Kinder Egg toy collection. But I don't ever feel like I summon up the expected admiration.

The lined up toys struck me as something immesurably sad. Like rows of broken eggs. Or lines of corpses on an empty field.

Comments

( 15 comments — Leave a comment )
mzdt
Dec. 10th, 2004 04:28 am (UTC)
I have to go out now, and dry my eyes. Have a really, really long hug.
miss_newham
Dec. 10th, 2004 04:59 am (UTC)
What he said. Words fail me. Thankfully, they don't fail you.
rainsinger
Dec. 10th, 2004 09:37 am (UTC)
Thank you both. :)
modalverben
Dec. 10th, 2004 04:45 am (UTC)
Most days the surface of my mind is placid and still, turqoise, cobalt and indigo blue. A sea mind.

Oh my word is it just me, or is everyone writing just so beautifully today? This post is so sad and wonderful, it is the second time I've had to hide my tears behind a monitor today.

x
rainsinger
Dec. 10th, 2004 09:39 am (UTC)
Oh my word is it just me, or is everyone writing just so beautifully today?

We are all helpless before the lure of being immortilised in your lyric book.
:)
minnesattva
Dec. 10th, 2004 11:40 am (UTC)
I'm glad you added me; it's nice to discover someone new whose journal is as cool as yours.
rainsinger
Dec. 10th, 2004 12:24 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
I've been stalking friends of friends today, and loved the way you wrote.
prophetessamy
Dec. 10th, 2004 11:49 am (UTC)
I am moved.
rainsinger
Dec. 10th, 2004 12:23 pm (UTC)
Cancerian Melancholy at your service...
And I'm flattered. :)
prophetessamy
Dec. 10th, 2004 01:30 pm (UTC)
Re: Cancerian Melancholy at your service...
I really respect your ability to share such moving personal truths in such a literarily beautiful way.
lillfive
Dec. 10th, 2004 03:27 pm (UTC)
*is just kind of tearfully thinking "for me, it's guitars*

you are so beautiful.
rainsinger
Dec. 10th, 2004 11:54 pm (UTC)
*empathetic gentle vibes right back at you Mary*
norantiskitchen
Dec. 10th, 2004 03:53 pm (UTC)
You make me think of strength and grace. I think your card was Temperance today. Hugs.
rainsinger
Dec. 10th, 2004 11:53 pm (UTC)
You make me think of strength and grace.

Because you've never seen me rollerblade. ;)

I'm only using humour because I'm flattered.
Thank you :)

guihong
Dec. 15th, 2004 08:32 pm (UTC)
I couldn't read that all the way through until today. You are possibly one of the most moving writers I have ever seen.

gui
( 15 comments — Leave a comment )

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